We are going to be having some new, exciting things coming up. Stay tuned since we’ll be offering some new content and other helpful options to become your best self. Also, you should check out the article I wrote for Mike Fiore’s Digital Romance website. It’s geared towards women, but it’s about why a dream guy might really be a jerk. Stay tuned!
Today is Independence Day in the United States. It stems from the decision of the United States to officially declare independence from England back in 1776. Today it’s more known as a time to barbecue and get a paid holiday.
However, it’s also a day to think about your own independence. Even in the United States, most people aren’t really all that free. We’re indentured to debt, jobs we hate, limiting emotions, bad relationships, and a failure to achieve our goals and dreams.
What would it be like to be truly independent? By this I mean the ability to do whatever you want when you want it. The key to being truly independent starts with the right attitude. It comes down to being confident, assertive, and unconcerned about the opinions of others.
This doesn’t mean being an unfeeling jerk. However, it does mean that you pursue what you know to be right and do so all the time. You don’t worry about the detractors.
So, Happy Independence Day 2014. Today, if you’re American, you can celebrate our nation’s independence. However, regardless of your background, think about your own independence and how you can be more independent, financially, socially, and in your relationships.
I know guys who have never asked a girl out since they were in the fifth grade. And since they want a girlfriend, in most cases, they have a huge fear of rejection. We are taught that rejection is a horrible thing and many guys especially internalize this when it comes to dating. I know some guys in the 30s and 40s who have maybe approached a few girls in their adult lifetime. It is no wonder so many guys complain of being lonely and dateless.
While a lot of the fear is wired by evolution, some of it comes because society puts a lot of pressure on both men and women to find “the one.” Parents, religion, and especially popular culture all emphasize the importance of finding that one amazing person. So, every girl a guy potentially meets could be that one. So, being rejected by your soul mate is a pretty big deal. We think over-focusing on one girl is an unhelpful attitude for a variety of reasons, including the anxiety it creates.
But, is rejection really anything bad? Hell no. In fact, rejection isn’t even that big of a deal. It can even be fun. Today I want to talk about the joy of rejection. Yes, here are reasons why rejection is fun.
Rejection Is Funny
When David was in college he asked a girl, “what’s up?” and she said “the sky.” While she was being rude, that whole story is really funny. Now, David and I can look back on that and laugh. Here’s the thing: he should’ve laughed about it then. To her face. And made a witty, charming comeback.
In many cases, the one doing the rejection finds it just as awkward as the one being rejected. It’s often very clumsy and most of us have absurd rejection stories. Laugh at rejection. It’s funny. So, when you approach a woman, know that the worst possible outcome is…laughing. The worst rejections are the funniest. If you can laugh about it years later, why not laugh about it while it is happening?
Rejection Leads To Good Women
Rejection is a means to finding the right girl. After all, you have to sort through some losers to get through the winners. Every girl is not a winner. Trust me. There are some bad ones. If a girl doesn’t like you back, then she’s a bad one (at least for you). Pining and whining and being paralyzed in fear of future rejection gives way too much power to another human being. The guys I know who wait for women to approach them often have the worst relationships, because they only date women who approach them. If you can approach any woman without fear, you are in control of the relationship selection process.
Does being rejected by a random girl really matter in the end? It’s crazy how guys are afraid that someone they just met and might never see again will reject them. Be confident and assured and talk to anyone you like knowing that you are excellent anyway and the opinions of a random woman don’t matter at all.
At that point, rejection does become a good thing. Why? Because not letting a random stranger define your value is not only good. It’s great. And, a real joy.
When I was in junior high, I asked an eighth grader named Heather to dance with me. It was an unusually bold moment and I was shocked when she said yes. It must’ve been a really great four minutes because after the dance I was convinced that Heather was going to be the love of my life.
I was stuck on Heather for the next few weeks. I called her at home, tried to talk to her at school, and awkwardly asked her to hang out. She finally told me that she had danced with me because she was being nice. I fell fast while she simply forced herself to dance with me because she was a nice girl.
This story illustrates the danger of falling fast when being with a girl. There are a variety of reasons why guys (and girls) fall fast. In my case, I was a preteen starting puberty and was a mess of hormones. For many guys it’s loneliness or desperation. They want in a relationship so badly that any girl who gives them attention is anointed “the one.”
However, it’s best not to fall fast for any woman. This is for a few reasons. First, it’s never good to become too attached. Attachment can lead to feelings (and actions) of neediness. That’s very unattractive, especially to women. Few ladies want a guy who is needy, even if it’s for them.
Second, in most cases when guys fall fast it’s like my story with Heather: the attraction level isn’t mutual. When a guy falls fast and hard and a woman is unsure, it creates a bad situation. No man wants to be on the wrong end of that relationship. It just leads to pain (like when I found out the truth about Heather).
Finally, falling too fast removes other, possibly better, options. Until you get to know a girl, it’s best to keep your options open. Find out if she’s really worth dating. Get to know her and look beyond the infatuation. It does no one any good to become super attached to someone not worth it.
If you’re in danger of falling fast for a girl, step back and look at it rationally. Think with your right head. You’ll be better off in the end.
The other day I was in line at Starbucks and there were around ten people there. Out of those ten, eight were on their phone. While it’s somewhat understandable that people would be playing with their phones in line, it represents one more wasted opportunity to meet new people and socialize with them. Sadly, while technology is great in many ways, it’s also very limiting especially when it turns people inward.
In the past we were able to have breaks from technology. A person couldn’t take a TV or phone to dinner, a sporting event, a night out with friends, etc. People were forced to be social. There were no distractions or, more accurately, crutches to stop them from social interaction.
Now, a lot of men and women go out to do social activities and for all practical purposes they’re sitting at home in front of a computer or a TV. Instead of talking with friends, meeting new people, and having a good time, they escape from social realities via a smart phone.
While things like social media, YouTube, and other apps are useful and entertaining, there are people today who escape from reality when they rarely even engage in reality to begin with. They have no social skills and find engagement in the real world painful and difficult.
My advice? Put down your phone. That’s right. When you go out, focus on meeting new people, interacting with your friends, and making people enjoy your presence. Phones are very useful, even socially. You can use them to arrange going out, get to know people better, etc. However, when you’re going out and it’s time to be social (or there’s a chance to be social), just put it down.
I promise you that if those people in line at Starbucks had actually talked to the rest of those in line with them, their lives would be much richer and more meaningful. They might have made a new friend or gotten a partner out of it.