Four Lies Men Believe About Love Thanks To The Movies

Jonathan’s newest for Digital Romance looks at Four Lies Men Believe About Love Thanks To Movies. Have a look!

Preview: don’t ever dress like Indiana Jones in middle school unless you really don’t want a girlfriend.

Summer Fitness Series

couple running outdoors

Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Although the start to spring has been slow in many parts of the United States, summer is still only a couple months away. With the weather getting better and the clothes getting skimpier (at least by winter standards), it’s time to start looking our best. As a result, we are going to offer our readers a series of workouts that can help anyone (male or female) get in shape.

Our goal for this series is to spotlight workouts that anyone can do relatively cheaply and that are effective for beginners or people wanting to take it to the next level. And, we are especially attuned to busy people who might need something intense, yet concise.

If you’re looking to maximize your workouts, get in shape for the first time, or just explore the world of fitness, this series is for you. Check back next Wednesday for the first in our series where we examine a workout that not only burns fat and builds strength, but also has been connected to anti-aging research. Don’t miss it!

The Primary Reason You Are Single

Image courtesy of debspoons at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of debspoons at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When I was in college and graduate school, I seemed to be in a perpetual dating funk. Dates were few and far between. And, when I did get a date, I had no idea what to do since I was so out of practice. It was a vicious and lonely cycle.

I didn’t suffer in silence, though. I sought help. I read books on the topic of seduction. I browsed the stories of others on internet forums. I posted my problems for all to see. Thank goodness this was before social media so it was and remains anonymous. I even consulted a psychologist.

I had great insight into my problem. I was single because of my height, lack of perfect body, anxiety in social situations, unique interests (not bland like all the other guys), being too nice, and in classes that didn’t have a great male to female ratio. Oh, and every girl had a boyfriend.

If you’re not laughing by now, please do. The last paragraph is supposed to be humorous (although it’s true). Why? While some of those issues might have played into making dating more difficult, I was single for one reason and one reason only. And, it’s probably the reason that you are also single.

I didn’t approach women and ask them out.

Sure, I would talk to random women at times, after building up the nerve. And, I would sometimes awkwardly ask them out on a date. But, it was very rare. I was in college, where the female to male ratio really is skewed in favor of more women (sometimes a lot) and yet I only talked to women “at times.” I could throw out every excuse in the book, but I knew the main reason for being single.

If a guy can find a way to go up and talk to around five new women a day, and also find a way to get their number/contact info, he can be wildly successful at dating.  He doesn’t even have to be a total stud. If he just has a small clue about rapport building, is decent looking, and half witty, even after a mere week of trying he might have more numbers than he can even handle.

Dating is ultimately a numbers game for men and women. And, since women are typically “the approached” and guys “the approachers,” it falls on the guys to do the work. Most guys, except for the most creepy, could easily score one date in one hundred with little or no effort. That means, approaching five new women a day (if possible), even the biggest loser should be able to get a couple dates a month. Hell, even creeps could probably get one in a hundred!

Granted, it’s hard to do this. For some people, meeting five new women a day might be hard demographically. For most guys, meeting five women a day would be hard mentally and emotionally. Especially in the beginning, they would experience a lot of rejection. However, as they practiced and adjusted out the kinks, they would find success. Statistically, it would almost be impossible not to be successful!

So, get out there are start approaching. Will you get rejected? Yes. Will it suck sometimes? Yes. But, unless you’re around beautiful, forward women all day or hire a matchmaker (we recommend these great ladies), you’ll have to approach.

We offer tips in our books Be Popular Now and Size Doesn’t Matter. The latter is a dating book for short guys, but the section on approaching, winging, etc. largely applies to everyone. Even if you can’t approach five, then try to approach one a day. Even that will greatly increase your odds of success.

So, now that we’ve identified the primary reason that you’re single, it’s time to do something about it. Don’t waste time with excuses, forums, and complaining. Get out there and approach. Build rapport. Make the close. Pursue various options and get in the type of relationship you want (long term, etc.). Our books will help with all of it if you want to take the step today.

 

Guys, Attracting Women Boils Down To This One Factor

two businessmen

Image courtesy of stockimages/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Figuring out what men are attracted to is relatively easy. Men assess attraction primarily visually: we are attracted to younger women with pretty faces, bigger boobs, some curves, and fit bodies. Sure, a few guys have fetishes for other stuff, or some “nice guys” might deny it. But, science, polls, raw online dating data (see Dataclysm), the behavior of women (make up, photo tricks to look thinner with bigger boobs, etc) and uninhibited private male behavior (i.e. the extreme popularity of 18-21 year old thin girls in pornography) all confirm it. I’m not making a case that this is moral, right, or leads to quality relationships: I am just stating the facts of raw, initial attraction. And, men can certainly grow to like a woman based on personality traits.

What women find attractive in guys is an altogether different matter. It seems like women are more confusing about what they prefer. Do women prefer physically attractive guys like David Beckham or Chris Hemsworth? Yes. Or do they prefer certain personality traits like confidence over looks? Yes. Or do they like guys with money? Yes. Famous guys? Yes. Manly men? Yes. Metrosexuals? Yes. Bad boys? Yes. Felons? Yes. Tall guys? Yes. Who the heck knows??? Yes!!!

The unifying factor seems to be that women find guys attractive that have power, or “status,” “social dominance,” or “the ability to provide and protect.” I (kind of) made this connection to power in a past article directed to shorter guys when I mentioned women probably are really looking for testosterone instead of height, but that height may be a “quick indicator” for high testosterone. It is very possible that the “power” I am going to discuss is simply a synonym for a man with a lot of testosterone (and low levels of the stress hormone cortisol), since leadership and testosterone seem to go together.

James Dean CigaretteHeather Remoff, who wrote about her own research in the book “Sexual Choice: A Woman’s Decision- Why and How Women Choose the Men They Do as Sexual Partners,” agrees that power is the main factor women find attractive in a man. This may sound shallow or antiquated from a female perspective, but it really isn’t. Replace the general term “power” with traits like “independent,” “not a mama’s boy,” “well-educated,” “in control of his life,” “confident” and suddenly I think many women will nod their heads in agreement that they like men like this. In fact, many of these traits were specifically mentioned in Remoff’s research.

The attraction to power explains why women’s sexual preferences are so elusive. According to Remoff, “power” is subjective, and it depends on what an individual woman associates with power.  I believe this is a mix of biology and social factors.

So for some women, it could be a man’s age, but for others it could be his income. Some women may associate power with a guy being a daring bad boy in a leather jacket, or even a criminal, while others see their stable professors or teachers as the ultimate sources of power. Still others may view fame as an ultimate source of power, or a man’s marriage, or perhaps him being her manager at work. Some guys can go from “friend” to “crush” in her mind through a one-off act that signifies power, like standing up to an authority or being heroic under pressure. Other women are attracted simply because he is a “man in uniform.”

This also explains why certain male physical traits are preferred among women. In the older parts of the brain, men seem to be attracted based purely on visual input, whereas women take visual inputs as indicators of a guy’s power. For example, masculine faces (signaling strength), pretty eyes (think eye contact), a deep voice, charm, tallness, and being muscular are all good indicators of power, since these help a man achieve power.

The desire for power may be why women are more attracted to images of guys looking serious as opposed to smiling, or even why a book like Fifty Shades of Grey is so popular despite being taboo for a variety of both conservative and liberal reasons.

Why power? Power indicates a man has the ability to care for the woman and her offspring. Evolution seems to have worked to ensure that men are attracted to fertile women (young women with a .70 waist to hip ratio are more fertile than fifty year old overweight women) and women are attracted to men that can ensure she and her child are protected in the wild. This all may seem crazy in a modern egalitarian environment where women don’t need “protected” from much of anything, but in the context of hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution, it makes perfect sense.

Most of these desires aren’t even consciously considered, since they are seated in older parts of our brains, making the reality of attraction seem even more irrational. No wonder the ancient Romans viewed romantic attraction as the result of getting randomly shot by a mischievous baby-god.

The biggest male losers in this “game of attraction” are low-status men, or even guys with status but who fail to convey it. The quiet and passive guys who are simply “cogs in the machine” of life and at work (or aren’t even that) lose out. Even some high-status guys can be pretty poor at actually conveying power, which is why some millionaire nerds can’t get a date, despite waving their money at women.

So, while we suggest guys look their best, increasing their perceived power is a better strategy for becoming more attractive and admired. In fact, a recent study confirmed that a dominant personality was a better predictor of the number of male sexual partners than being classically good looking. So, let me repeat that: being powerful is a better strategy for getting a date than looking good (for guys at least). I should note that neither we nor this study are suggesting rape or sexual assault is power or a dominant personality. Physically forcing yourself on a woman, i.e. acting without consent, is illegal and immoral.

If we had to describe how we help guys, it is really helping guys increase their status and power. Truthfully, since attraction happens in older parts of our brains, a guy doesn’t even have to actually have power; he just has to project it. This is why we suggest guys “fake it until they make it,” through body language changes and development of their “avatar,” discussed in Chapter 6 of our book Be Popular Now.

Faking power is easy really, with certain body language and attitude modulations (intelligence, charm, humor, etc). This is why a bad-boy Wal-Mart stock-boy could come across as more attractive to his female co-workers than a socially awkward millionaire tech start-up owner awkwardly asking for her help in the automotive department. However, the best strategy to project power is to fake it and make it, by actually getting accomplishments. The millionaire tech nerd who develops some social skills will ultimately be more attractive long-term than the reckless Wal-Mart stock-boy who will be burnt out (or dead) by thirty, neither very attractive to women.

So guys, you have to have power and convey it to ultimately be a master at dating. And, the more angles of status and power you can work (physical, income, authority), the more likely you are to succeed with a diverse group of women.

Step one is to develop general displays of power, like assertiveness, confident body language, dressing sharply, and being charming. Step two, done concurrently with step one, is to cultivate positions of power and status within your social, hobby, and career circles.

This combination of self-development will have women practically throwing themselves at you. If you don’t believe me, think of Justin Bieber, who despite being shorter than average and slightly awkward looking, represents power to millions of pre-teen and teen girls, or even Donald Trump, who despite his goofy comb-over and obnoxious attitude (and ugliness) dates models that would never give most guys the time of day.

Why Valentine’s Day Is Overrated

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It’s almost Valentine’s Day and that means existential angst for many people, especially singles. However, out of all the 365 days in a year, Valentine’s Day is probably one of the least to be upset about if you are single or don’t have the relationship of your dreams. I have nothing against the holiday, but I still believe Valentine’s Day is highly overrated. Here’s why.

It’s A Fake Holiday

There may or may not have been a St. Valentine. And, even then, there might have been several. We know very little about any of them and most of the stories are likely just legends. Not only that, but the organization that started the holiday (the Catholic Church) doesn’t even celebrate it anymore. That’s right, they took it off their official calendar nearly fifty years ago.

However, it has survived and even thrived as a “holiday” devoted to all things romantic. While there is a basis for the love themed holiday in history, its popularity has taken off due to its promotion by various companies. As a result…

It’s About Crap Not Love

I would be firmly in favor of a day celebrating love. A day set aside to deepen connections with family, friends, and romantic partners would be awesome. However, that day is not Valentine’s Day. It has turned into a day of buying crap. While some Valentine’s Day activities are certainly meaningful, all of the money spent with it really isn’t. Having a bear that sings and goes straight to the trunk or the trash the next day doesn’t really contribute much to a relationship.

I am all in favor of capitalism. But, part of capitalism is spending your own money in a way that benefits you and loved ones. Feeling guilt about spending your hard earned money on junk just because everyone is doing it is hardly maintaining true economic freedom–or making a relationship better.

It Makes Singles Feel Inferior

While ultimately people are responsible for their own feelings, Valentine’s Day has the side effect of making single people feel bad. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship and some people definitely should not be in a relationship, especially at certain points in their life. Yet, the message of Valentine’s Day is that being single means being inferior. After all, it’s important to find true love with a man or woman…so you can buy them more crap!

It Boils Love Down To One Day

In reality, the things a person should be doing on Valentine’s Day–celebrating love, treating the other person to romance, etc.–should be done on a regular basis. I don’t mean the commercial side, but the focus on love in a relationship. It’s kind of like the people who get all cheerful at Christmas then act like Scrooge the rest of the year.

So, instead of going overboard on junk for one day, couples would be better served focusing on ways to love each other on a regular basis and work through relationship issues. But, why do that when you can celebrate your love one day with a singing bear?

So, if you’re single or doubting the purpose of Valentine’s Day, you’re not alone. It’s definitely overrated. Now, go out there and buy yourself a big box of chocolates and watch your favorite romance movie by yourself.

Don’t Do These To Your Husband…

I recently contributed some insights for this excellent article for Woman’s Day, 9 Things You Should Never Ask of Your Husband. Have a look!