The Attractiveness of Security In Yourself

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Image from:

When I was in college, I went on a date with a girl. She went out of her way to tell me how much she liked me and we ended up going to the movies. I second-guessed myself throughout the entire date and she had to reassure me several times as I made awkward moves to get more physical in the theater. The next day I heard how she only “wanted to be friends.” I was insecure. She knew it and rejected me. Lesson here? Insecurity in men isn’t attractive.

Most women, when listing traits they find attractive, list dominant ones, like confidence, intelligence, wealth, and even height. I’ve never seen insecurity or uncomfortably awkward on there. Even modern, independent women seek a provider/protector ideal in men even if they don’t need it. So, most women, deep down or not so deep down, crave a guy who takes charge and is secure in himself. In other words, he must be confident and not insecure/needy.

Being sure of yourself is one key to being successful and attractive. By being secure in yourself, you are showing the world (and women) that you are confident and worth knowing and dating. You have to love and value yourself first and foremost or why would anyone else want to be with you? It’s like the salesman who doesn’t believe in what he’s selling. Unless he’s great at BS he likely won’t sell much of his product. If you are secure and value yourself, you make women want to be with you and value you too.

Insecurity manifests itself in many ways. Here are the big three: neediness, control, and showing off.

Neediness shows insecurity because a truly secure guy doesn’t really need anyone else to be happy. He should be happy with his job, hobbies, family, and friends. And, although he might like women, he doesn’t need one particular woman. He has options, so while he can love one girl, he doesn’t need to rely on one woman to be happy and desperately fear losing her.

Control is evidence of insecurity because, when we can’t “win over” someone naturally, we often resort to controlling behavior. Lots of guys fear that they will lose their women: to another guy, to singleness, to whatever. So, they try to keep tabs on them, tell them what to do, and generally boss them around. While women enjoy being dominated in some ways, they typically hate being controlled. Dominance is attractive; controlling is not. Controlling can manifest itself as jealousy, spying on a girl, always asking where she is, etc.

Finally, showing off is a big sign of insecurity. Demonstrating value is a sign a guy is secure. For example, a well-dressed guy confidently walks into a room and works the crowd. He answers questions about his job, takes an interest in other people, and even buys drinks for others. That is attractive and secure.

What isn’t attractive? A guy who makes comments at others’ expense, constantly brags about income, and flashes his wallet for everyone to see all the fifties he has tucked away. That isn’t security. It just shows that he is either faking or has no clue how to own his value and accomplishments. Security is demonstrating to the world your wealth, power, attraction and status. Insecurity is awkwardly trying to tell everyone about it and looking insecure in the process.

So, if you want to be attractive to women, then be secure in yourself. Own your accomplishments and even your flaws. In the end, it will get your dates and win you respect.

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Dad Bod and Women

fat man with fries

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When I ran the Warrior Dash last weekend, I was talking to a friend of mine who had recently started working out again. He was looking a lot fitter but felt he had a way to go. He laughed and told me that at least the “dad bod” is in.

For the uninitiated, a dad bod is a man’s body that has excess fat, lacks muscle tone, and might even have a decent sized gut. The concept is that, after a guy becomes a father, he stops caring about his looks and body to a (large) degree. The celebration of the dad bod became trendy thanks to a college essay written by a female Clemson University student. Her arguments more or less boil down to “it makes us (i.e. women) look and feel better.” More on that later.

So, do women really love that dad bod? My guess is they don’t really like a man having a dad bod so much as they are less focused on a guy’s looks overall. Men value a woman’s looks when determining initial attraction. So, they will see a woman with a great body and be very physically attracted. So, they think that women want them to have a perfect body too and spend hours in the gym working towards it. Then, they wonder why they are single.

Women, however, value personality factors above and beyond physical looks. So, while looks are important, other traits are significantly more valued. Confidence, dominance, charm, intelligence, and power are just a few. In addition, women are more attracted to guys who make them feel a certain way. Notice how the dad bod essay isn’t really about the man being attractive, not even a little bit. It’s about the woman’s feelings and perception of what his body entails for them. It’s not “belly fat is sexy” but “I can totally see him buying me Taco Bell when I’m hungry.”

So, I firmly believe most women don’t find the dad bod attractive, so much as they can accept the dad bod if it brings with it what they value (security, feeling protected, looking prettier than their guy, etc.). Most women will take a guy who offers them that over a boring, passive, weak guy with perfect ab definition.

We also shouldn’t take the opinion of one woman or the viral nature of her essay as an indication that women love the “dad bod.” Does this fad negate the love women have for guys with fit bodies? Hardly, but it does illustrate a point about female attraction.

This is why I ultimately believe a guy should continue to look his best and be healthy and fit. Having a kid is no reason to give up on self improvement and excellence and that includes physical challenges. Still, the dad bod fad is a reminder that, in terms of attraction, men and women think very differently.

My Favorite Low Carb and Sugar Free Ketchup Recipe

"Fruit3" by tooony - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons -

“Fruit3″ by tooony – Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons –

A few months ago I became sick of both liking ketchup a lot while not liking the 20 calories per serving (and corn syrup) in the ketchup I usually buy. I reduced it to around 7 calories a serving (complete nutrition below). This is an easy, cheap, and low carb and no sugar added recipe. It also tastes great. Enjoy!

This makes about 1.5 cups of ketchup, if you water it down to the levels I do (some days I stretch it more). Depending on your desired thickness or spice, you can alter the levels of water, vinegar, and spices. The more vinegar you add, the tangier it will be, resembling Arby’s sauce.

2, six ounce cans of tomato paste
.75 cup water
.75 cup white vinegar
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp black pepper
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1 tsp mustard powder
1 tsp coriander
Stevia to taste

Empty into a large bowl. Whisk or blend.

Nutrition per tablespoon (Based on ingredient inputs into Fitday of 1.5 cups)
Calories – 7
Fat – 0
Carbohydrate – 1
Protein – 1
Sodium – 55 mg
Potassium – 133 mg
Vit A – 108 IU
Vit C – 2 mg

If You’re Dateless, Stop Trying to Get a Date and Do This Immediately

Above view of running trackJonathan and I regularly speak to groups of men, and also work with clients. We also correspond with people who read our books and ask questions. A lot of guys want to skip straight to the “give me the tricks to make women like me” phase of becoming attractive. Well, I have to be honest. There are no tricks that can make a girl attracted to you if you are fundamentally unattractive.

If a twenty-five year old guy walked up to a golf pro and said, “I have rarely played golf and am horrible at it, now give me the tricks to be a good golfer” the pro would probably laugh, but a lot of guys think the answer to their dating problems lies in learning a few tricks. Learning the tips of great golfers while being a mediocre golfer will get you nowhere.

So, this brings me to my point. If you have been dateless and lonely for years, you need to stop worrying about getting a date for a while. Instead, starting this minute, focus on your physical and mental self-improvement.

Learn how to get fit and actually work out. Learn about positive dietary changes (I prefer lower carb) and make those changes. Learn how to become more dominant, funny, charming, assertive, and relaxed, and practice that. Stop pursuing girls who aren’t attracted to you and focus on becoming more attractive. Spend the time you normally waste learning and applying what you learn.

In short, improve yourself.  Lose the extra thirty pounds. Stop watching so much TV and spend that time learning how to play the guitar or prepare to run a half-marathon.  Stop playing video games and take a class instead. Stop looking at pornography and go out and talk to real women. Stop trying to “get a date with girls” and actually engage them and practice winning them over. Stop posting inane stuff to twitter and read a book.

We have been listing health and fitness tips for a reason recently. Becoming attractive is more than just learning a few tricks. It is fundamentally becoming a person that others admire and want to be around. If you are popular (by our definition), all people want to know you, guys want to be like you (and may even be a little jealous), and women want to be with you. This can’t be accomplished by a few tricks. It can be accomplished, however.

Sometimes guys will say “I want to get girls like [insert favorite sports star, celebrity, etc].” Truthfully, you will get girls like them only when you offer what they offer to the world. If you are in amazing shape, amazing at what you do, funny, charming, admired by a lot of people, etc, then you will get girls like that guy.

Work on yourself. Improve yourself. Get started today.

Running: Get Fit and Have Fun

couple running outdoors

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Humans were never meant to sit around in offices all day then go back to their homes and eat potato chips on the couch. Our bodies simply aren’t meant to live a sedentary, indoor lifestyle, at least not without health consequences. So, while any workout is better than none and others have benefits (like anti-aging properties, etc.), there is one workout that is fun, gets you fit, and connects your with your natural state: running. And, if you have a quick pace you can burn around 15 calories a minute.

I used to hate running when I was younger. I’m not sure why, but it’s probably because I associated it with being forced to do it at football practice or boringly running on a treadmill. In reality, running is a fun way to get in great shape. But, it is best done with a few tips in mind.

Get Outside

I personally still hate the treadmill and get bored after fifteen minutes. But, when I’m outside in nature, I can easily bust out 6-7 miles (OK, it’s not easy, but I can do it). Why? Because when you throw in the sunshine, breeze, and stimulation of nature, it becomes a totally different experience.

If you’ve never tried actually running (or jogging) outside, or it’s been awhile, give it a chance. Start out slowly, even walking fast, then work your way up. It’s a great way to connect with nature and get outdoors.

Start Slowly And Push

I’ve known many people who buy a bunch of cool running equipment (more on that later), get all excited…then they sprint for five minutes, decide it’s too hard and quit. Running isn’t something anyone can just jump into and become a beast at it. You must work up to higher levels of running ability. Start by walking if you’re really out of shape, then move to a jog, then gradually try to increase your pace. Start slowly, but keep pushing yourself. Otherwise, you’ll just quit and it won’t do you any good anyway.

Run With A Friend

If you want an extra push, then run with a friend. Having someone else to do it with accomplishes two things. First, you can keep each other motivated and accountable. This is important with any fitness program, but especially one like running. Second, running with a friend can make it go faster since you can talk (or at least grunt) to each other.

Make sure you pick someone of your similar fitness and ability level, though. Otherwise, it could be frustrating if one person gets left behind or a fitter runner feels she has to hold back to accommodate a less seasoned one.

Get the Right Gear

While you can literally run in just about anything, comfort matters, especially in your shoes. It’s also important to dress for the weather. If you are running in the winter or colder weather, you’ll need to bundle up. If you’re in the extreme heat, then go lighter and make sure to bring water (or run close to a fountain or something).

Shoes are very important when running. Make sure you get ones that fit. Believe it or not, people run in different ways and you need the right shoe to support you. Here is a cool guide to choosing a running shoe.

Also, I want to mention one of my favorite running accessories of all time: my Nike + GPS Running Watch. I have used this thing for four years now. It logs miles, locations, pace, etc. I absolutely love it. If you run a lot and want a record of your results, you have to buy it. It’s a little pricey, but well worth it.

So, if you are looking for a new fitness activity to try for the summer, you might want to take up running. It’s fun and will get you in shape in no time.