This is going to be a more philosophical post, but, for the literal-minded, let me just say I don’t want anyone to literally kill the objects of his desire. That would be bad.
With that out of the way, let’s get to the heart of this post, which is going to deal with attachment. Let’s just say this: attachment is bad. And, we all get it at times.
It’s important to have drive, goals, and motivation. Without it, you’re not detached; you’re simply lazy. But, having someone or something as a goal and a strong object of desire is counterproductive in achieving that goal.
On an episode of the television show The Wonder Years, Kevin Arnold walks into a ballpark, practices with a team there, and hits a home run. They sign him up. He struggles after that, and is eventually cut. What happens next at his last at bat? A home run.
Although certainly a fictional example, this story is grounded in the truth. I don’t want to get into the spiritual side of attachment, although it is worth noting that detachment (sometimes called non-attachment) is considered a sign of enlightenment in nearly all of the world’s religions. What I want to focus on is the practical side of it all.
When we’re attached, we desperately want the outcome. And when we’re desperate, our bodies begin to behave differently. Our brain chemistry changes; our hormones change. Look at a cornered wild animal that gets desperate. Its body starts a stress reaction that leads to negative changes. It needs the focus, energy, and adrenaline to run or fight. But, when it’s over, its hormones return to normal.
When we’re desperate the same thing happens. While those hormones are good in times of real danger, long-term (or even short term outside of the immediate danger), they wear us down and make us lose our competitive edge. We’re not meant to be on edge beyond a few minutes of stress.
Attached men are often anxious, inflexible, and project a lack of confidence. They come across as needy and anxious. They’re not at their best because their brains are literally in a state of stress. Their hormones are out of whack.
In order to be successful and popular, it’s important to kill (symbolically) your strongest desires. In many ways, this involves destroying and detaching from the expectations.
Let’s take dating as an example. You’re a guy and you meet a great girl. She gives you some attention in return and you “fall for her.” You’re attached and it wreaks havoc on your life as you impatiently wait for texts, anticipate seeing her every second, and analyze every single word she says for clues about how much she does (or doesn’t) love you. It literally starts to drive you crazy.
To detach, you don’t need to leave the girl. But, you must destroy your expectations and attachment to her. You have to stop caring about the texts, stop analyzing her every word, and be content with your buddies if she’s busy on the weekend. You have to be content to simply be in the moment rather than worrying about the future, or being attached to the past (for example, maybe the last girl you dated cheated on you and you’re worried she will do the same).
While it seems that killing your expected relationship with this girl is going to result in her loss, it actually has the opposite effect. Killing your desire for her frees you to actually date her in a way that allows you to be happy with her, and she will love you more for not being needy, emotionally unstable, and controlling. Ironically, you’re “killing” the relationship in order to be free to actually be in the relationship. Remember, I said this post was philosophical.
So, whatever you desire to the point of attachment and a lack of mental health, destroy your expectations and free yourself to actually enjoy it and be your best. This type of detachment is present in all great leaders and excellent men.
I’m a Cleveland Browns fan. I’m barely old enough to remember their successes in the 1980’s. Otherwise, I’ve seen them have losing season after losing season. From the front office and coaches to the players, they didn’t play hard and smart enough to win. So, they lost.
Many guys these days are like the Cleveland Browns, except it’s dating: they’re hopeless losers. And, I don’t mean they’re generally losers. Many of them are successful at work and in other ways. But, they’re losers when it comes to women. And, they might have no clue even why they fail. In this post, I explain why guys lose the dating game.
They Don’t Realize It’s A Game
In modern times, we’ve turned love and its pursuit into something dreamy and sweet. However, the pursuit of romance isn’t that at all, especially for guys. Like every animal’s reproduction, it’s hard nosed survival of the fittest. It’s why a few of the “players” get more women than they can handle, while the vast of majority of guys get little to no female attention.
Men who fail at the dating game typically don’t think it’s a challenge, or a game at all. They think true love will prevail if they just plow ahead. Meanwhile, they get hurt, bitter, and lonely. But, they still buy into the great myth that a fairy tale ending is waiting for those who…wait it out.
But, love isn’t some magical, divinely guided fairy tale. Humans have mating rituals, there are rules (see below) about what works and doesn’t, and people win and lose at it all the time. Yes, dating is a game. You can believe your fairy tale where love wins out in the end. But, if it wins, it’s because you won it, not because of mysterious dreamy force controlling your destiny.
They Cede The Victory To Women
Because most guys don’t see it as a game, they automatically cede the victory to women. I’m not saying women are automatically cutthroat about dating. But, women are choosier than men. It’s based on evolutionary biology. Men have a lot of sperm, but women have fewer viable eggs (a guy can literally father a child a day; a woman invests nine months into one child). Women, especially the high value ones, aren’t going to mate with anything that moves.
So, women are often more attuned to winning at the dating game. The hot ones are typically blunt about rejecting men. In some cases, hot women (and all women) can be downright cruel when rejecting guys, because they have a lot of male options.
Yet, guys just typically take it. They don’t put up a fight (metaphorically speaking) and just lie down, letting the woman humiliate them. They let the women dominate at the dating game. So, they lose.
They Don’t Know Winning Strategies
The major reason guys lose at dating is because they don’t know winning strategies. If a guy wants to be great at football or painting or anything, there are many resources to achieve that, from coaching, books, mentoring, etc.
However, there are few resources to help guys date. And, most of them are outright wrong (like advising guys to buy women stuff to appear more attractive). Imagine trying to be a better football player if you receive very little practical help and most of it is was wrong!
However, the rules of the dating game and how to master it are clearer than you think. We offer several books that explain the rules of the game and how to master them. These are tips that work and can finally get you the dates you’ve always wanted.
Many guys lose at the dating game. It’s time to start winning, and you can only do that if you at least start learning the rules.
Are you a man who…wants to get a date? Wants to be a leader? Wants to be surrounded by friends?
Plenty of programs out there that claim to teach you how to do that. Most can be boiled down to “be more confident/assertive.”
I’ve seen guys turn to all sorts of strategies to turn into leaders (or “alphas” as some programs describe). Some guys start lifting weights. Others become angry at all women. Others learn confident body language.
Confidence is great. Fitness is great. Both are important components of our program we use with clients.
However, what a lot of the philosophies and programs related to male confidence seem to forget is that a true leader possesses charisma. What separates a guy with good ideas from a guy who actually leads others is charisma, plain and simple.
Politicians, CEOs, celebrities, and other leaders aren’t necessarily the best at what they do, but they are the ones who have the personalities to get others to follow them.
In The Charisma Myth, author Olivia Fox Cabane basically argues that charisma boils down to three things: presence, power, and warmth. I typically consider charisma and charm to be very similar, and suggest that if guys want to be successful leaders (and this includes a leader with women, i.e. being attractive to them), they have to be charismatic and charming.
Many guys forget that to win over people, those people have to actually like you, or at least be fascinated enough with you to take an interest in you. Women in particular love guys who make them feel good. Let me explain how power, presence, and charm can impact your interactions with women. Let’s compare two guys.
Guy A: He wants a date, but is angry with women. He comes to the club dressed like a slob, and barely slouches in the place. He clearly looks like he is out to “get action.” He approaches a woman with a canned, awkwardly delivered, pick-up line, and the minute she says “what do you want?” he gets angry and lashes out at her. She gives a “you just creeped me out” look and he immediately leaves and tries the same thing on another woman a few feet away.
Guy B: He wants a date, and is excited about meeting new women. He comes to the club dressed like he has a good job and runs the show wherever he works. He walks in like he owns the place. He approaches a woman, and is both funny and engaging. He flirts and teases her, but let’s her know that he actually does care about her as a person. When she asks “what do you want?” he jokes, “peace on earth, like everybody else.” She laughs and leans in toward him.
Notice the first guy had no power, presence, or warmth. He acted like an impersonal robot, despite a basic level of confidence. He dressed and acted like a guy who no power, and he came across angry as opposed to warm and open. Trust me guys, no woman is going to be attracted to, much less date, a guy like that.
The second guy showed up as powerful, based on the way he dressed and how he walked into the room. He showed up with presence by flirting and engaging the woman, and warmth by showing an interest in her. By joking and flirting, he showed her that she was getting his attention and his time.
Confidence is great. Confidence without charisma is pretty much an enhanced version of whatever other social vibe the guy is giving off, and that could be the vibe of creepiness, anger, awkwardness, or whatever.
Have you eaten any beets lately? I didn’t think so. I can’t stand them, but research shows that a chemical named after them, betaine (pronounced beet’-uh-een) may be an effective way to gain muscle mass while simultaneously losing fat.
Betaine is also known as trimethylglycine (TMG). While I am not going to get too into the science of methyl donation, just know that as a “methyl donor”, betaine may have a variety of benefits, including improving mental function and having liver health benefits.
A number of studies have concluded that betaine supplementation boosts strength and power (see, for example: Journal of the International Society of Sports Nutrition, July 2010) .
However, the most exciting research was performed recently at the College of Springfield in Massachusetts.
Researchers had a group of males weight-train for six weeks.One group took 1.25 grams of betaine twice a day, and the control group (also weight training) supplemented with a placebo. The researchers reported in a 2013 issue of the same journal I referenced above that the subjects taking betaine increased muscle mass by four pounds and arm size by ten percent (!), while decreasing body fat by seven percent. The placebo group experienced no increase in muscle mass/arm size and no body fat loss.
Also, another study found increased production of human growth hormone following workouts with 2.5 grams a day of betaine supplementation.
So, while the research is preliminary, supplementing with betaine/TMG may help you see quicker muscle gains and faster weight loss. Either way, other studies show a variety of athletic benefits for TMG. For example, a brand new study shows that betaine helps runners sprint faster.
Note that betaine comes in two forms. Betaine Hydrochloride (HCL) is betaine bound to HCL. The hypothesis is that the HCL in the formula improves digestion in the stomach by making it more acidic. Betaine HCL is 76% betaine, so if you see an amount on a bottle (such as 600 mg betaine HCL), just multiply that amount by .76 to get the actual betaine content (600 mg of betaine HCL contains 456 mg betaine). Betaine anhydrous is often labeled as TMG or Trimethlyglycine. Both are cheap and readily available.
So giving this inexpensive supplement might be worth a try. If you don’t want to take supplements, quinoa and Spinach are particularly high in this nutrient.