Loving Too Much

love heart and arrowA few years ago, a woman died from drinking too much water. Yes, the very foundation for earthly life itself can be harmful…if too much is put into the body at once. Love is the same way. A very good thing can be a huge problem if it is overblown or unhealthy. In the case of romantic relationships, loving too much is a problem if it leads to co-dependence.

Co-dependent relationships are where one person becomes dependent on the other person, enabling their partner’s behavior while putting the co-dependent’s needs second. I’ve heard it jokingly defined as this: when a co-dependent is dying someone else’s life flashes before their eyes. That is how fused they become with another human being.

Loving someone to the point of endlessly accepting abuse and other problems isn’t really love. It’s co-dependence and attachment. I know people who’ve spent years with an abuser, good-for-nothing, or outright criminal all out of “love.” However, that love is, of course, one way. But, those individuals must have enough love to cover both parties.

Being attached to another person is a normal part of falling in love. However, attachment, in the negative sense of the word, isn’t healthy. This is where a person loses his or her own emotional (and otherwise) independence. I saw this a lot during my teaching days. A student would date someone, become attached, and suddenly all his or her uniqueness vanished. That person would become a clone of the boyfriend or girlfriend and all time would be spent with the significant other.

This isn’t just unhealthy, it’s a bad relationship strategy. A person needs to be his or her best self. While all relationships involve compromise, one partner can’t do all of the compromising, or all of the loving. When selflessness and loving sacrifice become the domain of one person (whether male or female), then it’s loving too much.

For guys, being too attached or co-dependent on a girl isn’t even considered attractive. Independent guys are much more desired than men who get whiny, needy, and overly emotional. You can be loving and understanding and express emotion. But if you need your girlfriend to the point that you can’t imagine your life without her? Well, then you’ve crossed into pathetic. And, if she’s emotionally healthy herself, she’ll agree.

You Can’t Hate Women and Get Them To Love You

man yelling at woman

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was reading an article last week that made me both shake my head and laugh. It has since been taken down (perhaps the guy who wrote it wised up), but the gist of this anonymous “open letter” to women (yeah, real manly) is “Dear Women of the world: I hate you so much and here’s why…But, I’m so nice. Why won’t you love me?”

I’ve talked before about the “nice guy” mentality. It’s how many guys think being nice entitles them to a woman and that when those women reject them they get all upset and angry (and not so nice). However, this open letter (unintentionally) gets to the bottom of a very serious problem in dating. Lots of guys simply don’t like women.

Sure, they find women attractive and want to date them. Yes, they want a relationship. However, they want it on their terms, which usually means they want a woman to act like a man while looking and having sex like a woman (with them, of course).

But, fundamentally, many of these men, while ironically claiming to be “nice guys,” hate women. Sure they protest that they want to be gentlemen and do a bunch of romantic things for females. But, deep down they resent women because women don’t conform to their expectations.

That is ultimately one of the biggest problems many so-called nice guys have with in dating. They don’t accept that women think and act differently than their own expectations. So, they put on a great show of their own chivalry and greatness and when that fails to land them a date (or, more accurately, sex), they seethe with anger.

But, fundamentally hating women in this way is a very flawed and ineffective dating strategy. Do women like edgier guys and bad boys? Yes. Do they sometimes like outright jerks? Yes. But, these edgy bad boys and even borderline jerks at least fundamentally love women (even if they do use them or mistreat them). And, in most cases they’re at least upfront or fairly transparent about their intentions.

However, a “nice guy” who kisses up with a facade of loving women to cover his deep dislike of women (at least as they are on their own terms) is a fake that the vast majority of women instantly see through. He’s a jerk, but not even an exciting and attractive one.

So, you can’t hate women (deep down) and get them to love you. Can women be annoying, grating, and infuriating? Yes. So can men. And, getting rejected sucks and can lead to resentment if unchecked. Still, feelings of hatred and resentment can’t be nurtured. They have to be stopped.

Interacting with other people requires honesty and realism about flaws and drawbacks. But, it also requires a fundamental and gracious acceptance of a person, at least in general terms. If a person’s very gender evokes hatred and resentment (and this applies to “man hating” women as well), you might as well hang up any chance at love.

The Nice Guy Worldview Is Fiction

upset man

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was a bona fide nice guy in high school and college. And, I don’t mean I was a good, nice person. I think I was. But, I’m more talking about the stereotypical “nice guy” in relationships. I thought being “nice” made me attractive, I felt that women made bad choices in jerk men (and pointed it out often), lamented the fact that a nice guy (me) went dateless, and secretly resented women for being so unaware of their own best interests. However, the worldview of the average nice guy just isn’t realistic.

The “nice guy” worldview says that being nice is a valued trait that will get him somewhere in life, especially dating opportunities. He believes women secretly want guys like him, if only they can be convinced to follow what they truly believe in their hearts (and what’s good for them). He also believes that in the end, he will win out as others will eventually see it “his way. ” This worldview is fiction. Here’s why.

Nice Means Nothing

The idea that being nice is somehow valued is so far fetched it’s truly wishful thinking. Let me explain. Is nice a trait that gets a person a passing grade? What about a job promotion? Does a band sell an album because they’re nice? What about a football scholarship to Ohio State? Nope. Not at all.

While nice people are generally preferred, there is no evidence that being nice gets a person anything in this world. Thinking that it gets a guy a date is a part of the exact same fiction. Niceness is a baseline preference and standard. But, it’s not valued in and of itself.

Women Aren’t Secretive About Their Preferences

Know what the greatest indicator of people’s thinking is? Their actions. If they say any different they’re either lying or in denial. The idea that somehow women secretly want to date nice guys if only persuaded otherwise is absolute fiction. Women tell the world their dating preferences…through the guys they choose to date. If a guy has a crush on a girl and he wants to know her real type? He only has to look at her boyfriend choices, not her words, his expectations of the female sex, or anything else.

Women Do Like Bad Boys

Yes, most women do find bad boy types attractive. They might not always date them, but they typically will choose an edgy guy over a nice guy (with nothing else going for him). The studies show it, and, even by the observations of so-called nice guys, it’s true.

Once again, women aren’t confused, deluded, stupid, or anything else nice guys attribute to them. Most women do have at least some natural attraction to an edgy, bad boy type. It’s real and it’s not a big deal. Instead of complaining, nice guys should just become more interesting and assertive (not jerks, though; we have enough).

So, the nice guy worldview is fiction, which might explain why nice guys are often complaining about not getting the results they want from life.  I wish niceness was more valued and that people cared more about it. But, the reality is different. But, knowing that reality goes a long way in adapting and succeeding in the world.

Transformation Tuesday: Change Your Inner Self

time for change

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A quick glance through social media on Tuesday will show a slew of pictures of people who went from fat to fit or ugly duckling to beautiful. However, if you’re a man and you’re going to truly transform yourself, the best place to start is the inside. So, this Tuesday, let’s look at the ways you can transform yourself and be a totally different guy (even if you look the same on the outside).


The number one thing a guy can develop is confidence. Studies consistently show that confidence is one of the most attractive traits in a man. Lots of guys try to transform their bodies but forget that a guy with washboard abs who lacks the confidence to approach women will be single.

Having confidence isn’t always easy, especially for guys who have had low self esteem in the past. However, developing confidence isn’t all that difficult, but it does take a little time and effort. But all transformation does, including losing weight.

Pursue Excellence

The best way to transform yourself and be more confident is to pursue excellence. This means that you become great at activities and develop traits that people find valuable. So, if you’re currently just plain boring and average, make sure to transcend that in some way.

What can a guy do to be more excellent? Go back to college (or just go). Get a better job. Start a business. Learn an instrument. Get really fit. Run a marathon. Do anything that makes you a better person and helps you appear more attractive to other people.

Fake It Till You Make It

Truly changing can take a long time to accomplish. Years of brain wiring isn’t going to be undone in a few days (like from this Tuesday until the next). But, a guy can fake confidence and swagger until he actually feels comfortable doing it naturally. That’s why we recommend that a man internalize the idea of confidence and approach every interaction like he really is confident in it (even if he’s not).

The biggest way to fake it is to simply act like you’re confident. This means changing body language, acting like you own the place, etc. It doesn’t mean lying about details. However, since being confident is a state of mind, faking confidence well enough means no one will know the difference.

So, on this transformation Tuesday, work to change yourself for the better. While that might involve losing some weight or getting ripped, make sure you change your inner self too.

Download Our Free Ebook

We’ve talked a lot about the friend zone in the past and it’s something that many guys have dealt with. In the end, if a guy wants a romantic relationship, being just friends with that girl can be frustrating and annoying. It is especially hard at times because the woman doesn’t even seem to be aware there is an issue.

However, there is hope for guys stuck in the dreaded friend zone!

You can download our free ebook called Three Reasons You Are In The Friend Zone (And How To Get Out). All you have to do is sign up for our mailing list. You’ll also receive updates on recent students, tips to be more confident, etc.

What are you waiting for? Learn how to leave (and avoid) the friend zone now.

From Anger To Action

man yelling into phone

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Where I used to teach, my freer style contrasted pretty sharply with the hidebound (look it up), uptight mentality of the school leadership. So, they decided not to bring me back for my sixth year of teaching. In spite of massive student and parent protests they refused to change their minds. I had no control of the situation and was out of a job because of it. I was pissed.

It still makes me mad to think about it. You might have similar incidents in your lives that were unfair or unjust that made or make you mad. Maybe you are upset and angry about the state of your country or even the world. It’s easy to get mad and frustrated, especially when outside forces keep you from living your dreams (or even getting by).

However, anger doesn’t really accomplish a whole lot just by itself. In fact, angry people aren’t usually considered all that fun to be around. And, that’s in addition to the negative health benefits that being angry a lot can cause. Anger can be good if it’s a temporary release. But, staying angry creates more problems than positives.

Anger is only good if it leads to positive action and making change and then goes away. In my situation, my anger at being let go led to a total change in my attitude and outlook. I decided to get out of religious education and start nurturing different talents and interests. It also inspired me to become more assertive and confident and stop relying on people and institutions for my identity and happiness.

So, if things aren’t going the way you’d like and you’re angry, welcome to the human race. However, let that anger turn into action. Make it a motivator to do better personally or to make the world better. Many of the great people throughout history got angry about an issue then changed the world. However, the perpetually angry people whose only action was acting angry all the time? They’re usually judged as losers.

So turn your anger, disappointment, or anything else into action. Get motivated to change yourself and the world–in a positive way. You’ll be a lot more attractive for it.