A recent study confirms what we have been saying from the beginning: that men and women look for different things in a potential mate, and what women primarily want in a guy is status, as opposed to his looks.
Despite the cries of “men and women are the same” and “just be yourself and someone will come along” both common sense and actual science continue to say otherwise, which is that men and women are different, and there are things you can do to become more attractive.
This is a very important study, since it shows mate preferences across 37(!) cultures, and regardless of whether the culture was liberal or conservative, guess what? Women and men were not only consistent in their attraction preferences across cultures and countries, but men and women look for different things in a potential mate (again something a ten year old can tell you that some academics seem to ignore). The study found:
Women look for men who are older, have status and financial resources, and are ambitious.
Men look for women who are younger and attractive.
Sociability, pleasing disposition, and common religious and political beliefs weren’t “sex differentiated.” This doesn’t mean these aren’t important. It is just there weren’t gender differences in their importance.
Most guys who need dating and social help think that simply being nice and hoping for the best will get them a date, while ignoring what actually works: bettering yourself and developing status/confidence (and even faking it along the way through body language modification, etc).
I tried to “high five” everyone I passed on the bike path while running yesterday. I didn’t videotape my run, but I did reflect on it afterwards, providing a few tips on what led to my success.
If you don’t want to wait to learn why you don’t have money, scroll down to the very last line. The answer is there.
Growing up in a middle-class Christian home, I often heard these sayings a lot, either from family, friends, or teachers:
“Money is the root of all evil.”
“Rich people are evil and must be stopped.”
“You can’t buy happiness!”
“I don’t have time to learn about money; I have my own struggles!”
I can partially agree with all of the above statements. When some people get money, they can get pretty darn evil. There definitely are greedy rich people who put money over the needs of people. I know miserable rich people and happy poorer people. And, I have things in my life that demand my priority too, so I can’t learn all the ins-and-outs of money like a PhD student in economics.
However, the problem with the above statements is that they all show a basic aversion to money and chosen ignorance of making it. I know people who really need more money, who need money for things like house repairs, medical costs, transportation, etc, who have these attitudes. They wonder why they are always struggling.
Imagine if you wanted to exercise and lose weight, yet you believed…
“Health is the root of all evil.”
“Fit people are all snooty and bad.”
“Being healthy won’t make you happy.”
“I don’t have time to learn how to eat healthy and exercise.”
My best guess is with those attitudes, you won’t get healthy. And why would you? Your fundamental approach to the issue tells your brain over and over again that healthy people are bad, and having health is a bad thing and not worth caring about.
I am not saying changing your attitude about money is going to make you money. However, as I mention in all of my books, especially Say It Like You Mean It, every action begins with a thought, so you can’t take right actions if you don’t have the right thoughts.
Here is the thing. Rich people get rich because they care about money, and learn the ins-and-outs of it. You can criticize them as shallow all you want, but…
While you were learning all the stats about Ohio State Football (or any other major sports team), and spending hundreds of dollars to support them, the rich guy next door was using that time to learn about money and spend hundreds investing.
While you were memorizing and downloading every Metallica album, making them wealthy, a rich guy was learning about the music industry and approaching bands about how he can help them make money.
While you were watching every episode of Star Wars, spending hours debating about the canonical status of the various books, a rich guy spent hours watching investing videos, and was debating with a friend about the best way to make money investing in the film industry.
While you were producing 10k tweets over the last year that basically told 100 followers what you were feeling at a given moment, another guy was writing a hundred short stories on Amazon that are now generating passive income.
While you were keeping up with the Kardashians, a rich woman created a brand of reality that others wanted to watch and is now getting her own TV show (which you will likely watch and purchase the merchandise).
So, here is the deal. While I’m not saying it is necessarily easy to get rich, if you hate money and the people that have it, and don’t make time to understand it, you are leaving money in the hands of the already-rich.
Why don’t you have money?
Because you don’t care about learning how to really make money and create wealth.
There are other things in life that matter. I agree. But if you spend your time focusing on gardening, music, football, etc, and don’t have time to learn about how money works and ways to create wealth, don’t be shocked that you have the greenest garden, the biggest MP3 collection, and the best memory for quarterback ratings at your local bar, but no money.
I hate MLM products. I think they are horrible ways to make money. However, people that try to sell them are at least breaking out of the mold of the “work 60 hours a week for someone else until I die miserable and poor before I can retire” mindset. Those people are at least trying, and I find sometimes that can be a good start to actually caring about money.
I started caring in 2002 when I needed to open a credit card. Nobody would give me credit. I learned everything I could about investing and money, and even got my license to sell stocks and bonds.
It wasn’t until 2010 that I started to get the vision of starting my own business as an option to get out of the “trade my freedom to work for someone else” mentality.
This has been a long journey that is still unfolding, but I have saved and made a lot more money that I would have otherwise not made thanks to my knowledge and interest.
So, start learning. One book that absolutely changed my view of wealth was Millionaire Fastlane. I highly recommend it as a book to get started.
The books below are also helpful:
When I was in college, I went on a date with a girl. She went out of her way to tell me how much she liked me and we ended up going to the movies. I second-guessed myself throughout the entire date and she had to reassure me several times as I made awkward moves to get more physical in the theater. The next day I heard how she only “wanted to be friends.” I was insecure. She knew it and rejected me. Lesson here? Insecurity in men isn’t attractive.
Most women, when listing traits they find attractive, list dominant ones, like confidence, intelligence, wealth, and even height. I’ve never seen insecurity or uncomfortably awkward on there. Even modern, independent women seek a provider/protector ideal in men even if they don’t need it. So, most women, deep down or not so deep down, crave a guy who takes charge and is secure in himself. In other words, he must be confident and not insecure/needy.
Being sure of yourself is one key to being successful and attractive. By being secure in yourself, you are showing the world (and women) that you are confident and worth knowing and dating. You have to love and value yourself first and foremost or why would anyone else want to be with you? It’s like the salesman who doesn’t believe in what he’s selling. Unless he’s great at BS he likely won’t sell much of his product. If you are secure and value yourself, you make women want to be with you and value you too.
Insecurity manifests itself in many ways. Here are the big three: neediness, control, and showing off.
Neediness shows insecurity because a truly secure guy doesn’t really need anyone else to be happy. He should be happy with his job, hobbies, family, and friends. And, although he might like women, he doesn’t need one particular woman. He has options, so while he can love one girl, he doesn’t need to rely on one woman to be happy and desperately fear losing her.
Control is evidence of insecurity because, when we can’t “win over” someone naturally, we often resort to controlling behavior. Lots of guys fear that they will lose their women: to another guy, to singleness, to whatever. So, they try to keep tabs on them, tell them what to do, and generally boss them around. While women enjoy being dominated in some ways, they typically hate being controlled. Dominance is attractive; controlling is not. Controlling can manifest itself as jealousy, spying on a girl, always asking where she is, etc.
Finally, showing off is a big sign of insecurity. Demonstrating value is a sign a guy is secure. For example, a well-dressed guy confidently walks into a room and works the crowd. He answers questions about his job, takes an interest in other people, and even buys drinks for others. That is attractive and secure.
What isn’t attractive? A guy who makes comments at others’ expense, constantly brags about income, and flashes his wallet for everyone to see all the fifties he has tucked away. That isn’t security. It just shows that he is either faking or has no clue how to own his value and accomplishments. Security is demonstrating to the world your wealth, power, attraction and status. Insecurity is awkwardly trying to tell everyone about it and looking insecure in the process.
So, if you want to be attractive to women, then be secure in yourself. Own your accomplishments and even your flaws. In the end, it will get your dates and win you respect.