When I was in high school and even college, I remember being shocked that nice, intelligent, and pretty women seemed to date jerks and losers.
I even dated a girl like this…for about a week when I was a freshman (yea…long term, I know). I met her while playing basketball at the local park, and she seemed sweet, and was dressed in “preppy” clothing. Her mom even taught Sunday school. I was in love! This was the nice girl I was looking for.
However, after knowing her for a while, she lamented how she, as an eighth grader, was taken in by a 12th grade bad boy, with whom she did things she “regretted.” As we dated, I found out that her penchant for the “bad” didn’t come to an end just because she was with me. She and her friends would often get into parental and legal trouble.
We didn’t last very long, and the next time I saw her she had transferred schools and was using drugs, and was with another “bad” guy, part of a long string of bad decisions. I was baffled that this girl could ever have been like this.
A few years ago I realized something so fundamental that I literally dropped what I was doing and called my business associates to share my insight. I realized that, like guys, a lot of women are jerks and losers.
Throughout most of my life, I viewed women as the “better” sex. They were more moral, nice, and put-together. When I would see a pretty-enough girl with a big jerk, or “fixer-upper” type of guy, I would immediately ponder why she was with a loser like that. How could she lower herself to be with him??
I always gave women the benefit of the doubt in this situation. Guys were losers. Guys were jerks. Women, well…they were attached to a bad guy, confused, “taken in,” or simply “trapped” in something bad, and in need of my “rescuing.” It never dawned on me that there could be just as many jerk and loser females out there as there are jerk and loser guys. It never hit me that if a woman constantly dated losers, then far from being in need of being “rescued,” she was probably comfortable with losers because she herself was a loser.
So, why do guys seem so reluctant to acknowledge women, especially attractive ones, can be losers? Why do we assume women are blameless when they make bad romantic choices?
I think it goes back to male brain evolution. Guys are wired to “provide and protect” women, especially ones we are attracted to. When a girl we like is with a guy that we don’t like, we view the woman with “blinders” on, and become less likely to acknowledge her weaknesses, something called the halo effect. Since the guy is a romantic competitor, we view him in the worst possible light, hence declaring him a “loser.” This attractive girl, in a guy’s mind, turns into an innocent damsel in distress trapped in the hands of an evil villain. Our brain is telling us that we need to come in as the “white knight” to save this poor damsel. I was definitely this type of grade A “White Knight” (which is a bad thing by the way).
The problem is that reality is much different from this delusional scenario. First, a lot of women are perfectly happy dating losers. If she didn’t get some level of happiness from his company, she wouldn’t be with him or have dated him to begin with. Second, she likely doesn’t want to be “rescued” by you. Meddling “white knights” rarely get romantic attraction from this type of girl anyway. Third, she’s probably a loser. Yep, say it loud guys. Right now. She’s probably a loser. Many “white knights” find that after “rescuing” a girl from her bad boy, her first action is to return to the bad boy.
“But”…you may say, “she has her life together! Her loser man doesn’t!” Well, all I have to say is that if someone chooses to invest all of her emotion and attraction into someone who is a loser, then that pretty much makes her a loser too.
And, let’s do a little exercise to show you that appearances can be deceiving too. You know many guys who are losers, right? Even if they dress nicely…even if they wear glasses…even if they are handsome…even if they have a good job, they can still be losers and jerks.
Let’s rationally apply this to women. A woman can be a loser….even if she dresses nicely…even if she wears glasses…even if she is stunningly beautiful…even if she has a good job, she can still be a loser and a jerk.
That stunningly beautiful woman with perfect teeth who works down at the Waffle House who always leaves with her thug boyfriend? She could be a loser.
That thin girl with the sweet voice and glasses who dropped out of college to live with her unemployed parolee boyfriend? She could be a loser.
That hot and petite girl who needs the job because she has a newborn who just quit it by screaming at the manager with no other job lined up? She could be a loser.
That “Girl Next Door” from the richest suburb who drove the getaway car for her criminal boyfriend. Yeah, she could be a loser.
This article is not about putting down women (or even men). Ultimately, I think calling anybody a “loser” is a bad way to approach a fellow human being. I consider calling others and yourself a “loser” is a bad idea and should be avoided.
However, this article is pointing out that women and men are equally capable of bad decisions. It is disastrous for a guy to put aside critical thinking just because he is dealing with an attractive woman. I wish it weren’t so, but guys…women can be losers. They can be jerks. They can treat you horribly. They can be bad people. They can do all this to you, while practically worshiping jerks in their lives. The sooner your acknowledge this is possible, the sooner you will find a truly nice girl.
This is a part of the romantic notion that true love exists for everyone. The idea here is that all a guy has to do is “be himself” and at some point in time, through a combination of fate, mystery, and good intentions, he will meet the love of his life, his “destiny.”
Yet, this “obvious” wisdom doesn’t seem to be grounded in reality. In fact, a meme that seems to be much more accurate is “forever alone.” While it’s not the stuff of self-help books and kind parental words, statistics and even basic evolutionary biology seem to point to a sad fact: some guys (and women) will live and die more or less alone.
Today, we’re going to discuss the bad news of evolutionary science. But, don’t be too upset because down the line I’m going to discuss the good news, if you’re one of the lucky ones (or willing to become one of the lucky ones).
Anecdotal evidence from anyone who has ever walked this earth can tell you that there are guys who seem to just be terrible when it comes to meeting women. They rarely get dates, hardly ever even receive female attention, and might remain virgins (against their wishes) into their 20’s and beyond. Are there really forever alone guys? Science says “yes” is the right answer.
Sexual Reproduction in Animal Males
Let’s look at the evidence in animals first. While humans are different than say, deer and even monkeys, we share many similarities with other species, especially in our general behaviors.
In many animal communities there are male members that mate rarely or almost never. In some cases, the discrepancy is extreme. For example, among some primates only the alpha male is allowed to mate (although betas may sneak behind his back and get a little action). In other species of monkeys, more males get sex, but to varying degrees according to their dominance (or lack of it).
However, in many cases within nature, a few males reproduce a lot, while a large number mate rarely. For example, in red deer more than half the young are sired by twelve percent of adult males. In elephant seal communities, most offspring are sired by around two to five percent of the males! That means ninety-five percent of the males lacked reproductive success (Badcock).
Forever Alone Men
Of course this can’t be the case among humans…right? Wrong. And, it’s not just anecdotal evidence that suggests some men simply don’t have a lot of sex or get in relationships frequently. The statistics suggest that a small percentage of very successful men occupy more than their “fair” share of sex and relationships.
A study with British men showed that one percent of men accounted for sixteen percent of all female partners. Twenty four percent of all men had ten sexual partners or more; only seven percent of females had this distinction. In short, some men were monopolizing the sex and relationship pool (Badcock).
And, the opposite is true. There is a percentage of men who have little or no reproductive success and receive a very “unfair” share of sex and relationships. The same study revealed that seven percent of all men reported no sexual partners in a lifetime. The female number was six percent (Badcock).
In a way, these stats mirror the average college dormitory. You have a few “players” and very attractive women who want a lot of sexual encounters and can easily get them. They may literally have a new sexual encounter each week. You have a few other guys and ladies who are pretty successful and get into a variety of relationships. The vast majority may not be particularly successful at dating (or don’t want to be) and may luck into a few relationships, possibly later in life. Finally, there are a few guys and gals who have either voluntarily (or involuntarily) checked out of the dating game, and spend their time doing other things.
To see the radical nature of these stats, let’s look at a high school graduating class of 300 over a lifetime. Three of the guys will have sex with 48 of the women. And, 21 guys won’t have sex at all.
So, there isn’t some magical force ensuring that there is “someone for everyone.” And, there are guys (and women) for whom relationship success comes easy and often. Others struggle but find themselves in relationships occasionally. But, for a select few, forever alone really does seem to apply.
But, this is the bad news. Even though science supports the idea of “forever alone” guys, it doesn’t have to be that way. We have seen strong evidence among our own clients and readers that any guy can improve his social and dating success fairly quickly by making a few changes to the way he thinks and acts. And then, he can build on that to make huge social gains. Our books Be Popular Now, Size Doesn’t Matter, and Eleven Dating Mistakes Guys Make address these issues, as well as this entire website.
Works Cited: Christopher Badcock, Evolutionary Psychology: A Critical Introduction
Human evolution, for whatever reason, removed a lot of hair from men and women compared to our primate ancestors. But, men didn’t lose all of it, especially as they get older. Forty years, ago chest hair was the rage in men, but it’s now the 21st century.
So, shaving chest hair, yes or no, is a valid question.
For the longest time, we have suggested shaving your chest if you want to date beautiful women, especially younger ones. However, recently many writers suggest that chest hair is coming back in style.
We still suggest shaving your chest hair if possible, or at least manicuring it. If you keep chest hair, shave your back, shoulder, and upper arm (biceps/triceps) hair. What follows are some of the reasons why we think you should shave.
First, shaving chest hair seems to be the norm in the popular culture, at least for the hot guys. Look at the men on television, in the movies, and in ads. They almost all, if they’re shirtless, have no chest hair. Even with shirts, there’s often no chest hair (or even upper arm hair) sticking out. The only time you see hairy guys is if they’re overweight, lower type characters being made fun of.
While popular culture shouldn’t be the only factor when thinking of shaving chest hair, you have to consider it. Showing up to the local pool or beach with a hairy chest and back these days is the equivalent of showing up with a mullet as your haircut. It looks out of date. So, ignore popular trends at your own peril, especially if you’re after younger women.
Second, shaving chest hair brings out your muscle tone. Even if you’re a little out of shape, you probably have some muscle tone. Go ahead and show it off instead of hiding it under hair. If you’re in great shape, you definitely need to shave. Body hair makes you look fuller and bigger. Shaving chest hair really helps with a sleek, toned look.
Finally, having a thick hairy chest, especially to the point where people aren’t sure if you’re fully evolved from apes, is just gross. No one wants to find your curly, overgrown arm and chest hair in their food or anywhere else. If you have chest hair to the point where it’s more comparable to ripping carpet than actually shaving, removal must be in your future. Being totally covered with hair will get kisses from a hot girl, but only if you’re a cat or a dog.
If you have a hairy chest, you have a few options. The first is waxing or sugaring. These both involve slathering a gooey substance on fabric strips that are laid on your body hair. Then it’s ripping time. Over a long period, these procedures will damage the follicle area causing slower and less hair growth. This is the upside. The downside is the the mess and the pain (and cost if you pay for waxing). Yes, it’s pretty painful, especially the first time if your chest hair is especially thick. This is a good option if you don’t want to mess with shaving, hope to slow growth over the long haul, and you have a high pain tolerance.
The other option is shaving. This can be done wet or dry. I personally mix and match. I’ll shave my chest and arms in the shower, using a razor and shaving cream. However, I’ll also use a body groomer to handle the back and other parts of the arm I can’t reach. While I’m not very flexible I can generally do most of my back, chest, and arms myself. However, if you want to shave the back, you may need help.
We recommend these two body groomers. The prices aren’t too high, but it’s worth the investment. You should be doing this once every couple of weeks
Philips Norelco Body Groom Pro (slightly higher cost, but better quality)
Remington Bht300 All Access Men’s Bodygroomer (lower cost, but somewhat lower quality)
If you have the pain tolerance, I’d recommend you get your chest and back waxed a few times in the beginning. It’ll slow down growth and thin your hair out. This will make shaving much easier and less time consuming later. But, if your hair is especially thick, then make sure to trim it first, or the waxing will hurt like hell! Ask the person doing the waxing for advice.
So, even though chest hair may be making comeback to a degree, if you want to better yourself and get dates, shaving chest hair is a no brainer. Just do it. And, do your back and arms too. Where you stop after the waistline is up to you. But, we don’t want to hear about it!
This is going to be a more philosophical post, but, for the literal-minded, let me just say I don’t want anyone to literally kill the objects of his desire. That would be bad.
With that out of the way, let’s get to the heart of this post, which is going to deal with attachment. Let’s just say this: attachment is bad. And, we all get it at times.
It’s important to have drive, goals, and motivation. Without it, you’re not detached; you’re simply lazy. But, having someone or something as a goal and a strong object of desire is counterproductive in achieving that goal.
On an episode of the television show The Wonder Years, Kevin Arnold walks into a ballpark, practices with a team there, and hits a home run. They sign him up. He struggles after that, and is eventually cut. What happens next at his last at bat? A home run.
Although certainly a fictional example, this story is grounded in the truth. I don’t want to get into the spiritual side of attachment, although it is worth noting that detachment (sometimes called non-attachment) is considered a sign of enlightenment in nearly all of the world’s religions. What I want to focus on is the practical side of it all.
When we’re attached, we desperately want the outcome. And when we’re desperate, our bodies begin to behave differently. Our brain chemistry changes; our hormones change. Look at a cornered wild animal that gets desperate. Its body starts a stress reaction that leads to negative changes. It needs the focus, energy, and adrenaline to run or fight. But, when it’s over, its hormones return to normal.
When we’re desperate the same thing happens. While those hormones are good in times of real danger, long-term (or even short term outside of the immediate danger), they wear us down and make us lose our competitive edge. We’re not meant to be on edge beyond a few minutes of stress.
Attached men are often anxious, inflexible, and project a lack of confidence. They come across as needy and anxious. They’re not at their best because their brains are literally in a state of stress. Their hormones are out of whack.
In order to be successful and popular, it’s important to kill (symbolically) your strongest desires. In many ways, this involves destroying and detaching from the expectations.
Let’s take dating as an example. You’re a guy and you meet a great girl. She gives you some attention in return and you “fall for her.” You’re attached and it wreaks havoc on your life as you impatiently wait for texts, anticipate seeing her every second, and analyze every single word she says for clues about how much she does (or doesn’t) love you. It literally starts to drive you crazy.
To detach, you don’t need to leave the girl. But, you must destroy your expectations and attachment to her. You have to stop caring about the texts, stop analyzing her every word, and be content with your buddies if she’s busy on the weekend. You have to be content to simply be in the moment rather than worrying about the future, or being attached to the past (for example, maybe the last girl you dated cheated on you and you’re worried she will do the same).
While it seems that killing your expected relationship with this girl is going to result in her loss, it actually has the opposite effect. Killing your desire for her frees you to actually date her in a way that allows you to be happy with her, and she will love you more for not being needy, emotionally unstable, and controlling. Ironically, you’re “killing” the relationship in order to be free to actually be in the relationship. Remember, I said this post was philosophical.
So, whatever you desire to the point of attachment and a lack of mental health, destroy your expectations and free yourself to actually enjoy it and be your best. This type of detachment is present in all great leaders and excellent men.
I’m a Cleveland Browns fan. I’m barely old enough to remember their successes in the 1980’s. Otherwise, I’ve seen them have losing season after losing season. From the front office and coaches to the players, they didn’t play hard and smart enough to win. So, they lost.
Many guys these days are like the Cleveland Browns, except it’s dating: they’re hopeless losers. And, I don’t mean they’re generally losers. Many of them are successful at work and in other ways. But, they’re losers when it comes to women. And, they might have no clue even why they fail. In this post, I explain why guys lose the dating game.
They Don’t Realize It’s A Game
In modern times, we’ve turned love and its pursuit into something dreamy and sweet. However, the pursuit of romance isn’t that at all, especially for guys. Like every animal’s reproduction, it’s hard nosed survival of the fittest. It’s why a few of the “players” get more women than they can handle, while the vast of majority of guys get little to no female attention.
Men who fail at the dating game typically don’t think it’s a challenge, or a game at all. They think true love will prevail if they just plow ahead. Meanwhile, they get hurt, bitter, and lonely. But, they still buy into the great myth that a fairy tale ending is waiting for those who…wait it out.
But, love isn’t some magical, divinely guided fairy tale. Humans have mating rituals, there are rules (see below) about what works and doesn’t, and people win and lose at it all the time. Yes, dating is a game. You can believe your fairy tale where love wins out in the end. But, if it wins, it’s because you won it, not because of mysterious dreamy force controlling your destiny.
They Cede The Victory To Women
Because most guys don’t see it as a game, they automatically cede the victory to women. I’m not saying women are automatically cutthroat about dating. But, women are choosier than men. It’s based on evolutionary biology. Men have a lot of sperm, but women have fewer viable eggs (a guy can literally father a child a day; a woman invests nine months into one child). Women, especially the high value ones, aren’t going to mate with anything that moves.
So, women are often more attuned to winning at the dating game. The hot ones are typically blunt about rejecting men. In some cases, hot women (and all women) can be downright cruel when rejecting guys, because they have a lot of male options.
Yet, guys just typically take it. They don’t put up a fight (metaphorically speaking) and just lie down, letting the woman humiliate them. They let the women dominate at the dating game. So, they lose.
They Don’t Know Winning Strategies
The major reason guys lose at dating is because they don’t know winning strategies. If a guy wants to be great at football or painting or anything, there are many resources to achieve that, from coaching, books, mentoring, etc.
However, there are few resources to help guys date. And, most of them are outright wrong (like advising guys to buy women stuff to appear more attractive). Imagine trying to be a better football player if you receive very little practical help and most of it is was wrong!
However, the rules of the dating game and how to master it are clearer than you think. We offer several books that explain the rules of the game and how to master them. These are tips that work and can finally get you the dates you’ve always wanted.
Many guys lose at the dating game. It’s time to start winning, and you can only do that if you at least start learning the rules.
Are you a man who…wants to get a date? Wants to be a leader? Wants to be surrounded by friends?
Plenty of programs out there that claim to teach you how to do that. Most can be boiled down to “be more confident/assertive.”
I’ve seen guys turn to all sorts of strategies to turn into leaders (or “alphas” as some programs describe). Some guys start lifting weights. Others become angry at all women. Others learn confident body language.
Confidence is great. Fitness is great. Both are important components of our program we use with clients.
However, what a lot of the philosophies and programs related to male confidence seem to forget is that a true leader possesses charisma. What separates a guy with good ideas from a guy who actually leads others is charisma, plain and simple.
Politicians, CEOs, celebrities, and other leaders aren’t necessarily the best at what they do, but they are the ones who have the personalities to get others to follow them.
In The Charisma Myth, author Olivia Fox Cabane basically argues that charisma boils down to three things: presence, power, and warmth. I typically consider charisma and charm to be very similar, and suggest that if guys want to be successful leaders (and this includes a leader with women, i.e. being attractive to them), they have to be charismatic and charming.
Many guys forget that to win over people, those people have to actually like you, or at least be fascinated enough with you to take an interest in you. Women in particular love guys who make them feel good. Let me explain how power, presence, and charm can impact your interactions with women. Let’s compare two guys.
Guy A: He wants a date, but is angry with women. He comes to the club dressed like a slob, and barely slouches in the place. He clearly looks like he is out to “get action.” He approaches a woman with a canned, awkwardly delivered, pick-up line, and the minute she says “what do you want?” he gets angry and lashes out at her. She gives a “you just creeped me out” look and he immediately leaves and tries the same thing on another woman a few feet away.
Guy B: He wants a date, and is excited about meeting new women. He comes to the club dressed like he has a good job and runs the show wherever he works. He walks in like he owns the place. He approaches a woman, and is both funny and engaging. He flirts and teases her, but let’s her know that he actually does care about her as a person. When she asks “what do you want?” he jokes, “peace on earth, like everybody else.” She laughs and leans in toward him.
Notice the first guy had no power, presence, or warmth. He acted like an impersonal robot, despite a basic level of confidence. He dressed and acted like a guy who no power, and he came across angry as opposed to warm and open. Trust me guys, no woman is going to be attracted to, much less date, a guy like that.
The second guy showed up as powerful, based on the way he dressed and how he walked into the room. He showed up with presence by flirting and engaging the woman, and warmth by showing an interest in her. By joking and flirting, he showed her that she was getting his attention and his time.
Confidence is great. Confidence without charisma is pretty much an enhanced version of whatever other social vibe the guy is giving off, and that could be the vibe of creepiness, anger, awkwardness, or whatever.