When I speak in front of large audiences of women and open the floor to questions, they almost always bring the discussion back to certain issues. One of those common themes is that their boyfriend doesn’t treat them very well.
They’ve typically discovered that the spark in the relationship is gone. Where the relationship used to be special, it’s now just average–or worse, failing and toxic.
In most cases, their boyfriend used to be passionate and madly in love with them. But, as time wore on, they both settled. They come to my relationship advice talks and say in frustration: my boyfriend doesn’t make me feel special anymore!
While ultimately he is the one who has to treat you right, being treated in a special way is linked to a spark and passion in a relationship. Here are ways to get him to treat you more special and deal with the situation.
If your boyfriend doesn’t make you feel special anymore, then it would be helpful to evaluate the current state of your relationship. If your boyfriend went from treating you like a princess to totally ignoring you, what changed?
Sometimes simply have a conversation and communicating your thoughts are enough to solve the problem. Tell him you wish he treated you special and that you are sad by his behaviors. Don’t communicate with anger or accusation. Rather, explain your feelings honestly. That might be all it takes to get him treating you right again. Men can be dense with feelings. He might not even know you’re sad and unhappy.
Look At Underlying Problems
If his attitude change is new, then it’s possible your boyfriend’s recent behavior is related to possible mental health problems. If he’s become lethargic, angry, depressed, or anxious, then his not treating you special could have deeper roots.
A lot of these feelings can be caused by life changes. If he’s lost a job, is going through issues, or has had a lot of stress, he might be in survival mode. That means he is focused solely on getting by and his usual feelings of fun, love, and joy are gone.
If he has underlying problems, then you should talk to him about getting help. Once those issues are resolved, or at least managed, then he might revert back to his old, loving self.
If your boyfriend isn’t making you feel special, then perhaps he’s let himself go physically. One cause of lack of energy and libido is low testosterone. When you met your boyfriend, he was younger and likely fitter, more muscular, and healthier. He was oozing testosterone, which is associated with youth and masculinity.
Low testosterone isn’t just associated with old men. While T levels lower with age, other factors lowering testosterone are stress, lack of sleep, unhealthy eating, lack of exercise, and obesity. How many of these factors does your boyfriend have? If it’s several, he might be treating you differently because he’s short on testosterone. Granted, he might not be clinically low. But, it’s low enough on the scale that it’s caused him to stop being the guy he used to be.
Fortunately, many of these can be resolved in younger, healthier males with moderate changes. See the next section for specific advice.
If your guy lacks passion and maybe has low testosterone, then there are certain things he can do to improve his energy, confidence, and libido. The first is to lose weight and hit the gym. By taking off belly fat (associated with low T) and building muscle, he’s going to have increased energy and confidence as well as other working out benefits.
Second, he can reduce stress. This will make him more relaxed, confident, and happy. He can take up meditation, find a new job, get a massage, and maybe even go out with his buddies more. He can even get off the couch, put down the video games, and go out in nature. That alone could do wonders for his mood.
But, this self-improvement can also apply to you. If you’re going to ask your husband to work on himself, now is a good time to work on yourself, as well. After all, if he’s let himself go, then maybe you have to a degree, as well. As your husband gets his life together, now is a good time to get yours back on track too.
You can do these self-improvement activities as a couple: workout together, start healthy eating, start meditating each morning, and so on.
Treat Him Special
While most of my advice has centered around ways you can help him change, relationships are a two way street. Perhaps while you’re telling your friends, “my boyfriend doesn’t make me feel special,” he’s saying the same basic thing about you!
There’s a saying “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” In other words, treating people well will go a long way towards getting what you want from them. So, if you want your boyfriend to treat you special, then one way to achieve that is to go out of your way to give him what you want.
Be extra sexy, make him his favorite meal, plan fun and adventurous dates, get the kids a sitter, and be extra flirty. Find ways to engage your boyfriend to lead him to treat you the way you want to be treated. If you do this, you might find that he will respond by treating you right.
However, if you make a lot of efforts to win your boyfriend’s love and affection and it still fails, then you need to take care of yourself. This might include treating yourself, like with a massage, a spa day, or a night out with your friends. It might mean getting into therapy, whether individually or as a couple.
However, sometimes self-care might mean ending the relationship. I never advise this since it’s a decision you have to make after careful thought. But, if your boyfriend never treats you special, shows no motivation to even try, and the relationship has turned dead or toxic, then it might be time to cut the cord.
Best of luck working out your issues with your boyfriend. Everyone who puts effort into a relationship deserves to be treated special.