Just Say It – How To Meet Anybody, Any Time

May 10, 2013 By Leave a Comment
man holding megaphone

Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In college, I would contemplate how to meet women (and make friends). Used to thinking in complex ways, I would come up with these elaborate ways to meet the “woman of my dreams.” Maybe she would be stranded in her car and I could save her. Maybe she would need help in a class, and see how well I was doing, and request my help.

Maybe these elaborate scenarios could happen, but they never did. While I was dreaming up all these crazy complex scenarios, I could have been out doing something simple and effective: actually starting conversations with women.

Just Say It: If you want to talk to a someone, do it, and talk about anything

The best way to meet a woman (or anybody) is to strike up a conversation. You can ask a question or make an observation. It is even better if it is funny and/or flirty, delivered with confidence. If you see a girl in the checkout ahead of you, just say it. Observe something about her groceries (“Ahh chips and pop…you must be on a diet”), or ask her a question (“Are those blueberries organic?”). If you see a girl walking by, do the same (“How’s the weather back that direction?” or “Where does this bike path go anyway?”).

It is delightfully simple. Just say it. I realize that working yourself up to confidently talk to any and every girl you desire is the difficult part, at least as far as our brains are concerned. I suggest starting off small. Every day talk to someone new. Make a commitment to do it. Get a friend to do it with you.

If you do this for a month or more, you’ll find three things are true. First, most people will welcome your conversation. They will talk back. People love interacting with cool people, and if you follow the principles of our book Be Popular Now and this site, people will love talking to you. Second, you’ll get better at it. You’ll start getting better at conversation, and eventually you’ll even “close” and get a number and some dates from it. Third, you won’t want to stop about thirty days. You will feel so good from meeting new people and taking charge of your social life that you’ll keep doing it.

Filed Under: Dating, Making Friends

Female Friends: Why They Matter

May 8, 2013 By Leave a Comment
Men and women in a club

Free image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Since one of our main goals is to help guys make friends, it’s interesting that we actually spend a lot of time helping them not make friends. This is because of the desire guys have to avoid the friend zone with attractive women.

However, no matter how skilled you are, there are times when being in the friend zone is acceptable and even preferable. These examples could be if the girl is attached or has too many issues to want to date long term. Or maybe there’s just no mutual attraction and none in the foreseeable future. In these cases, female friends are a good thing and don’t represent a dating failure.

So, here we talk about female friends, why they matter.

They Can Be Fun

Although most guys would rather hang out with their male friends outside of dating contexts (and this is understandable), don’t discount your female friends to provide you with some fun either.

Some women can really get into masculine interests (like sports and guns, for example) and can add a new perspective and twist to those activities. For example, I enjoy target shooting with females because it’s cool to try something like that with the opposite sex.

They Provide Social Proof

If you are looking to date women, it actually helps to have other women who like you and approve of you. It’s called social proof. Essentially, it’s when other people vouch for you. In terms of dating, women like to see that you’re safe and not weird. Having female friends can help with this.

So, if you go out looking for dates, it never hurts to go out with ladies. While you don’t want to look like the dateless nice guy in the group, it does help to have female friends around you to prove that you’re not a weird creeper.

Occasionally You Can Move Forward

Sometimes, you might even be able to move forward with your female friends in a more romantic fashion. In some cases, if there’s a latent or hidden attraction, it’s possible that you can turn a friend into a romantic partner.

However, the rules still apply. She has to find you attractive. But, if she’s attached at the time or has issues that are stopping the relationship (e.g. commitment problems), then down the line, if you’re cool and show your value, you could take your female friends to a different level.

Sexual Tension Can Make Things Better

Many activities can be more fun if you’re with someone you like and with whom you have some sexual tension. Even if nothing will happen (for a variety of reasons), having a friend you can flirt with is never a bad thing. Plus, as with the previous section, you never know what could happen.

So, value your female friends. Don’t get stuck in the friend zone with girls you really like. But, female friends matter too. And can be an asset.

Filed Under: Making Friends

Three Easy Techniques For Making the Close

April 5, 2013 By Leave a Comment
young couple on the beach

Image courtesy of graur codrin/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sometimes making the close (getting a number, Facebook profile, etc) is the hardest part. When I was younger, I was decent at reading people (decent, not great). I was very funny and averagely charming. However, the close was very hard for me.

For confident guys the close is very easy. A guy wants to continue a discussion with someone (whether a romantic interest, or even someone who is a friend) and takes the risk to continue it. The insecure guy cannot get over that hump and therefore doesn’t say anything, but lives in regret later.

Sometimes the other person will close for you. With guy-to-guy friendships and networking opportunities, this is very common. Typically one of the  guys will offer a number or say “you should add me on Facebook.” Girls will often not close, even if they really want to. Sometimes they will give hints, but it takes a very confident girl to outright ask for your number. Guys…SHE WON”T DO IT. Sorry for the shouting, but you have to learn it.

Closing is your responsibility. I always thought the girl would do it. Nope.

1. We Should Discuss This Further…

Hopefully, you have flirted and made good conversation. You have gotten her interest and differentiated yourself as a good romantic interest as opposed to being in the friend zone. Even if you are not 100% sure she views you as more than a friend, close anyway. You can set that frame later! Even if it doesn’t work out romantically, having female friends isn’t bad either.

One way to keep things going is point out that you want to discuss a topic further. This is a great psychological technique because it invokes the consistency principle. According to persuasion expert Robert Cialdini, in his important book Persuasion (get it!) once you get someone to do something small (such as discuss a topic), to be consistent, people will often agree to do things that require more commitment (like text you about the topic later).

I am married, so I didn’t “close,” but on my previous field report, I was joke-discussing “deep” questions like “why are red onions purple?” and “why do they call it ranch dressing if it isn’t made on a ranch?” A perfect close would have been to say “you know, I don’t often meet people I can discuss these deep things with, here’s my number. Text me.” Or, if I was feeling particularly bold, I would have asked for her number using the same line. Just of note, you can bring up the topic as a joke when you text her back, but don’t focus just on that. I highly doubt either of us cares about red onions that much! If you are discussing a real topic, make sure you follow the same advice. If you are talking about sports, Star Wars, or whatever, don’t overdo it on the follow up texts/conversations.

2.  I Have To Go But…

Women (and men) value people that are excellent, which is to say, people that have things going for them. This is why celebrities are admired. Many clueless guys, once they start talking to a girl, won’t stop. Not only do they “overplay” their hand immediately, but they also leave zero mystery for later. There is no reason for a follow-up because a girl has already been bored to death by them.

This technique involves exiting the conversation early. It has two effects. It demonstrates you are excellent (see above), and it gets her into you and wanting more. First you have to get her into you. Using the techniques on this site and in our book will do that. Then, cut it off. Tell her you have to go, for a really excellent reason, like a business meeting (even if its your own small business meeting with your brother). Don’t lie though. Then, just say, “but I would really like to continue this conversation, do you have a number? I’d like to text you later.” Keep it flirtatious if it’s a girl, and it should work.

3. “You Know What You Should Do? Give Me Your Number”

Baseball players know that a great hitter only gets a hit around a third of the time. Even in the pros, many players bat much lower than that. Sometimes great hitters strike out, sometimes they get thrown out, and other times they walk or even get beaned. They step up to the plate knowing various things can happen – some much more successful than others.

When you close, you are always taking a risk. If you pick up that the interaction with someone is going well, then sometimes, just asking for the number is the right idea. Nothing says “super-confident” like just asking for a phone number without any bullshit.

Will you sometimes just get an acquaintance out of it? Yes. Will you sometimes be told “no?” Yes. You will find that most times you will get the number, and at the very least have another cool person to text occasionally. Other times, you will get much much more.

After being a popular guy for awhile, you won’t really care about the outcome of closing. This is called “detachment.” Closing will be so fun, that it will be like a major league player stepping up to the plate.  In fact, you will enjoy figuring out how to close in different situations, just like a good hitter is going to adjust his strategy based on the type of pitch coming at him. When closing becomes fun and easy (which it will eventually), you’ll just start asking for numbers. Yeah, you’ll get some rejections, but your phone will be so full you might have to eventually upgrade to one with some more space.

Filed Under: Dating, Making Friends, Social Success

Why You Have To Be Cool To People If You Want To Be Popular

March 28, 2013 By Leave a Comment
sad man

Image courtesy of imagery majestic/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

If I hold one philosophy dear, it is to treat others right. While it probably isn’t going to be quoted in a Philosophy textbook next to Immanuel Kant’s “Categorical Imperative” (although it should be), I think this can be summed up as “be cool to others.” Actually, that is just a modern update to Jesus’ “golden rule,” isn’t it?

Almost every day we see examples of people treating others like crap. Governments, businesses, and institutions tend to do this a lot, because the people in these entities can hide behind “inhuman” policies. Personally they would never treat someone that way, but they can hide behind the institution. But people do it too: they put lots of things like money, fame, the desire to avoid discussion, etc, before the needs of people.

Some of my friends have been dealing with the closing of a community organization. They are very upset that their organization – which was more like a family to them – has been closed by the powers that be. Unfortunately, while it probably is a good decision to close it (for financial and attendance reasons), the people who were affected by the closure weren’t actively involved in the decision-making process, and they had the decision sprung on them with only a few hours notice.

I know that people and institutions have to make tough decisions, and I get that. I make tough decisions a lot, but typically when I make a tough decision, people still like and admire me after it. Why? Because I try to treat people right and people know it. How do I do it? I will get into more detail in a future post, but basically I keep people up on what is happening, and express empathy for their situation. I also recognize their needs and try to meet them as best as possible, even if I can’t fully do that. Finally, I know the “art of the deal” and when I make tough decisions, I try to make deals that make things as good as possible for all involved (even though sometimes in tough situations there may not be much “good” to go around).

Most people are mature enough to know that you may have to make tough decisions. And, you should always make the right decision in an assertive way, if you believe it is right (of course part of what is “right” is that it makes life better for others – remember that!). However, you have to be cool to people in the process. When most people get angry at a decision, many times they aren’t so much angry at the decision, so much as the way everything went down. People like to retain their dignity, and to be valued and respected, even during tough times.

There comes a time when people will stop liking and admiring you or your institution if you don’t treat people right. Your organization will collapse, your business will fail, and you will be very lonely.

So treat people right.

Got it?

Filed Under: Health and Fitness, Making Friends

Field Report: Lots Of Fun At The Mall

March 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

From Wikimedia User: Jarcje

On Black Friday 2010, I was just getting into this popularity stuff. I was new to it, as my brother Jonathan and a friend had just developed our “models of success” that contributed to our book Be Popular Now (and the concepts behind this site). Everything was new and fresh, but basically “untried” as far as real world “lab work.” Sure, we were all naturally popular, but this day was going to test that, because we were going to go all out! Could there have been a better day to have gone out and “wowed” a bunch of people – strangers even – than Black Friday!

Below are actual things we did and said, and people’s reactions. Notice the risk involved, and that not everybody responds. Most do, though. All of these approaches were “cold” as in we didn’t know these people beforehand. However, no matter what the results turn out to be, it is always one thing: fun as hell! Below D=me, J=Jonathan, and W=our friend. Comments in Green are my comments.

Panera: Approached a girl whose last name sounded like “hell yeah,” which we pointed out.  W wasn’t ready , so he flirtatiously teased her a little when she said she could help him. When we approached, all three rocked and socked her [one of our techniques you can learn about if you take advantage of our consulting]. Eventually the manager came over and joined in. She basically offered us jobs. We said it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. She said “why not, you guys look fun!”

More Panera: Manager makes an excuse to walk by our table and start a conversation. We tease her a little, and she asks if we are twins. We give the triplet routine [since W looks nothing like us, it works great; this has all the elements of great humor - our book tells more about this]. She calls us on it, and Jonathan said W got “more of mom’s egg,” which makes her laugh and she touches his shoulder. W says we were quadruplets but two of the babies melded to become him [since he is much taller than us]. She returns and I say we really are interested in jobs, and I ask her if “CEO is taken.” Then I tell her that I really am the CEO, and she responds that she knows the CEOs of Panera.

I then say to her, “oh, so you must know David Bennett then?” “No. Who is he?” she asks. “Me!” I say. She smiles like crazy.

A little girl walks by and says “daddy” to her dad walking in front of her, and J says “hey, don’t look at me” with a smile on his face, and the manager responds with an “oh you!” while smiling and touching his shoulder.

Later Panera: I return to get some coffee to go. I ask the male cashier if the “manager with the attitude” is still around. He laughs and specifically mentions how funny that comment was. He even tells his female co-worker about my comment.  Then I ask her “so who is the queen bee when that manager isn’t around?” More laughs.

In Mall: W approaches a girl in a trendy teen store, hands her a really little hat from one of the racks and says “you should wear this, it matches your…er…whatever.” She looks like she is in a trance [this is probably her doing a TDS, a good sign if you want her to be interested in you - read our book for info about that] but her sister laughs like crazy.

In Mall: I am in a store with a lot of Ohio State gear and I walk by a girl and say, in a very quizzical tone, “oh does Ohio State have a football team now?” I get a “primal giggle” [this is our term for the immediate subconscious laughter you can get from people that bypasses their conscious mind; they may not even want to laugh, but they do].

In Mall: At a Dollar Store, I see a pink dress in a woman’s cart and I say “my mom used to make me wear a dress like that, and it traumatized me.” W chimes in “yeah, but that was two weeks ago, you are over it now.” Gets a primal smile.

At Another Coffee Shop That Evening: J is pumped to open after suffering some anxiety at approaching at Mall [For even the most popular guys, the approach can be hard at first]. J orders “extra love” in his coffee, and I ask where the button for that is on the register. I ask for even more love in my coffee. J says “would you believe McDonald’s wouldn’t give us extra love.” Then I joke that it’s okay because we egged their cars on the way out of there. J jokes, “well at least we think it was their cars.”

One of the female employees, Kayla, jokingly, offers to go back and get some eggs to help us. J then says to Kayla, pointing to an employee working the drive-through, “why is your friend wearing that [Santa OSU] hat, did she lose a bet or something?” Kayla: “Melissa you have to get over here, this guy just asked if you are wearing that hat because you lost a bet.” She comes over and we talk with her too. Eventually I pull the corporate routine [that I am really a mystery shopper from the corporate office - it is gold], and joke about the hat being outside protocol, and J mentions to Kayla that her shirt is untucked. She assumes we are joking, and then tells us about her new tattoo.  Melissa soon brings over two free donuts saying “I have treats for you.”

That was one day in 2010. In fact, I left out some stories for later.

And yes, we have continued many of those relationships. I just attended Melissa’s wedding a few months ago. Also, when I wrote this article a few days ago, Kayla tagged us both on Twitter asking why we hadn’t been in to get coffee in a while. See how fun popularity is?

Filed Under: Dating, Field Reports, Making Friends

Why Some Humility Makes You More Popular

March 21, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Recently, the new pope – Francis – has been in the news. Many Catholics, including myself, are excited with the choice. He is also becoming very popular, much like Pope John Paul II was. Benedict XVI, pope from 2005 until early 2013, just didn’t seem to win people over too well, even though I think he was a good pope.

Francis has been getting a lot of positive attention for his humility and his willingness to forego many of the fancier papal trappings. This has immediately endeared him to many people. He has also been seen randomly going into crowds to greet people.

Sometimes, we get the idea that popular are people are far from humble. Even in our book Be Popular Now, we suggest that guys must promote themselves first and build their own brands. In other words, if you don’t advertise yourself, nobody else is likely going to do it (minus a super-neurotic mom!). People also tend to believe that being aloof is associated with popularity. Perhaps this is so at times, like the arrogant running back can be that way because people value his skills and money.

However, most people only become popular because they actually meet the needs of people. The more you disconnect from people (or at least the more you are perceived as being disconnected), the less popular you will be. Even Jesus knew this secret of popularity. Jesus taught humility and helping others. His message of love and inclusion of people that the people in power oppressed made him very popular with the masses and popular today. The book The Moral Animal basically makes this same point.

You don’t meet people’s needs by being aloof, at least not all the time. There are times to be a little aloof and cocky, but generally you should remember that a little humility can actually make you more popular. Plus, humility shows quiet confidence. The most gracious and humble people I know are often the strongest and most confident.

Filed Under: Making Friends, Social Success
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