In junior high, I sat behind Laura in class. We were decent enough friends, but she could throw out serious attitude at times. One day, I had said something that made her mad and, as I walked up to talk to the teacher, she called me “fatty.” I sat back down in my seat and kicked the stack of books under her desk. That sure showed her! Hint: it didn’t.
Sometimes the truth can hurt. Laura was right: I was fat. I knew it hindered my social success, but I still preferred stuffing my face on honey buns at lunch and sitting at home alone on weekends to losing weight and getting my act together. I wouldn’t have used those words, but my actions certainly spoke loudly.
If you’re a guy and you’re single, you might be tempted to blame others. However, I’ll tell you an uncomfortable truth: it’s your fault. Women can be annoying. Online dating can suck. Society can shame normal male sex drive. There are many other reasons why dating is tough. But, ultimately, if you’re willing to make yourself attractive, get out, and apply a little charm and social skills, you can get a date.
Keep an open mind and listen before you immediately react and get upset. I’m not your enemy or here to laugh at you for being single. My whole business is dedicated to helping guys get into great relationships. But, first you have to recognize that the solution to your problem of being single is within you. Here’s why many guys are single.
They Let Her Do The Work
We have guys tell us all the time that they post an online profile on a dating site then only receive a couple of messages. Or they go to a club and no girl even comes up to them. Oh, the humanity! Of course, successful daters know that it’s the guy’s job to do the work.
I know it might seem unfair in 2018 for a guy to do the bulk of the work. Didn’t feminism change all that?
There are definitely women out there who will take the lead, at least in some capacity. But, these women are rare and it usually only happens when they’re really attracted to a guy. For the average guy with the average woman, he’s going to have to do the bulk of the work, meaning message or approach her, plan the date, and move the relationship along. Yes, this is true, even among modern, independent women.
David and I know women who have “crushed” on guys for years and have never said a word to them. Virtually every thought they have may be directed toward these guys, but they have said nothing to them….ever. If the guy doesn’t read the signs and step it up, that relationship never happens.
So, if you want to get into a relationship, you have to be bold and do the work necessary to get into a relationship.
They Deny Biology
The vast majority of guys are clueless about the raw and brutal nature of attraction. They don’t pay attention to the kinds of men women date (attractive guys), but instead listen to the polite things women say they want (nice guys who treat them like a princess, etc.). Lots of guys even lament the biological reality of attraction, preferring ignorance or outrage to the hard reality.
However, love isn’t some “out there” spiritual notion. Human love is grounded in biological processes just like every human function. Attraction is also biological. A guy can do certain things to make himself insanely attractive to a woman. Certain things he does will also turn her off. Each technique might not be one hundred percent reliably effective, but there are techniques that push biological “attraction buttons.” If a guy thinks attraction is mystical or spiritual, he’s only fooling himself.
How to be attractive is something a guy can learn, just like he can learn the quadratic equation, the chemical formula for Iron, or the molecular weight of Bromelain. But, if you deny that love has a biological basis, you’re only fooling yourself.
They Think Being Nice Means Something
Sometimes guys will be asked to talk about themselves and they describe themselves as “nice.” Guess what? It means nothing. Let me say, I think being nice is great. Everyone should be nice, as in friendly and not an asshole.
But, when it comes to attraction, being nice means absolutely zilch. There is nothing in a woman’s brain that says, “this guy is nice, so I’d better go have sex with him.” In fact, being overly nice, as in passive, can be a detriment.When a woman says she is looking for a nice guy, she really means this: “I am looking for a guy who is confident, funny, attractive, strong, successful, and a little ‘edgy/bad boy-ish,’ but I also want him to treat me well.”
If being nice means you are bland, passive, and weak, then it’s actually a liability. So, be excellent, be good, be awesome. Even be nice. But if “nice” is all you have going for you, then you’ll probably be single. Just like you wouldn’t date a hideously ugly girl because she’s nice, no girl wants to date you if you’re unattractive in all ways, but are cordial.
They Don’t Better Themselves
Which guys do women truly desire? I don’t mean settle for, but seek. They’re the actors, musicians, athletes, CEO’s. Those with power, strength, and money. While every guy can’t aspire to those heights, the same principles work on a smaller level. So, a guy can nurture a talent like music or the arts, get in great shape, move up at work, earn more money, or just be the charming guy who lights up the room. Hell, many guys can just stop being so passive and boring and they’ll instantly find women flirting with them!
Yet, a lot of guys have bought into the lie that women will love them if they “be themselves.” But, for a perpetually single guy, being himself hasn’t ever worked and won’t ever work.
Guys who want girlfriends, especially quality ones, need to continually be improving. Lose weight. Get off your butt. Go back to school. Develop some skills. If you’re single and you haven’t improved yourself, do it. You wouldn’t want to date a woman who didn’t care about being attractive. Why would she want to date you?
Although this might sound like bad news, it’s not. Rather than being single because of some uncontrollable outside force, you have the ability within you to get into a relationship. You can be more attractive, confident, popular, and charming. And, for guys who aren’t grossly obese basement dwellers, most changes can be made in a few weeks. Even the grossly obese basement dwellers can get it together in a few months.
So, while being single might be your fault, the power to change that can occur quickly with a little effort from within. And, when you think about it, that’s great news!