Wants to get a date?
Wants to be a leader?
Wants to be surrounded by friends?
Plenty of programs claim to teach you how to do that. Most can be boiled down to “be more confident/assertive.”
I’ve seen guys turn to all sorts of strategies to turn into leaders (or “alpha males” as some programs suggest). Some guys start lifting weights. Others learn confident body language.
Confidence is great. Fitness is great. Both are important components of our program we use with clients.
However, what a lot of the philosophies and programs related to male confidence seem to forget is that a true leader possesses charisma. What separates a guy with good ideas from a guy who actually leads others is charisma, plain and simple.
Politicians, CEOs, celebrities, and other leaders aren’t necessarily the best at what they do, nor are they the most attractive. But, they are the ones who have the personalities to get others to follow them, and they usually have women throwing themselves at them.
In The Charisma Myth, author Olivia Fox Cabane basically argues that charisma boils down to three things: presence, power, and warmth. I typically consider charisma and charm to be very similar, and suggest that if guys want to be successful leaders (and this includes a leader with women, i.e. being attractive to them), they have to be charismatic and charming.
Many guys forget that to win over people, those people have to actually like you, or at least be fascinated enough with you to take an interest in you. Women in particular love guys who make them feel good. Let me explain how power, presence, and charm can impact your interactions with women. Let’s compare two guys.
Guy A: He wants a date, but is angry with women. He comes to the club dressed like a slob, and barely slouches in the place. He clearly looks like he is out to “get action.” He approaches a woman with a canned, awkwardly delivered, pick-up line, and the minute she says “what do you want?” he gets angry and lashes out at her. She gives a “you just creeped me out” look and he immediately leaves and tries the same thing on another woman a few feet away.
Guy B: He wants a date, and is excited about meeting new women. He comes to the club dressed like he has a good job and runs the show wherever he works. He walks in like he owns the place. He approaches a woman, and is both funny and engaging. He flirts and teases her, but let’s her know that he actually does care about her as a person. When she asks “what do you want?” he jokes, “peace on earth, like everybody else.” She laughs and leans in toward him.
Notice the first guy had no power, presence, or warmth. He acted like an impersonal robot, despite a basic level of confidence. He dressed and acted like a guy who no power, and he came across angry as opposed to warm and open. Trust me guys, no woman is going to be attracted to, much less date, a guy like that.
The second guy showed up as powerful, based on the way he dressed and how he walked into the room. He showed up with presence by flirting and engaging the woman, and warmth by showing an interest in her. By joking and flirting, he showed her that she was getting his attention and his time.
Confidence is great. However, confidence without charisma is pretty much an enhanced version of whatever other social vibe the guy is giving off, and that could be the vibe of creepiness, anger, awkwardness, or whatever.