This is a common romantic notion: true love exists for everyone. All a guy has to do is “be himself” and at some point in time, through a combination of fate, mystery, and good intentions, he will meet the love of his life, his “destiny.”
Yet, this “common sense” wisdom isn’t grounded in reality. In fact, a meme that seems to be much more accurate is “forever alone.”
While it’s not the stuff of self-help books and definitely not romantic comedies, statistics, online dating data, and even basic evolutionary biology, point to a sad fact: for some guys forever alone is real life. Some guys (and women) will live and die more or less alone.
Anecdotal evidence from anyone who has ever walked this earth can tell you that there are guys who seem to just be terrible when it comes to meeting women. They rarely get dates, hardly ever even receive female attention, and might remain virgins (against their wishes) into their 20’s and beyond. But, the statistics say that it goes beyond long periods of loneliness.
You might be wondering if you have a chance of being alone forever. While the odds are slim, there are really forever alone guys and science backs it up.
Sexual Reproduction in Animals
Let’s look at the evidence in animals first. While humans are different than say, deer and even monkeys, we share many similarities with other species, especially in our general behaviors.
In many animal communities there are male members that mate rarely or almost never. In some cases, the discrepancy is extreme. Among some primates, only the dominant alpha male is permitted to mate.
However, lesser males, or beta males, may reproduce to some degree by other means: by sneaking behind the alpha’s back (called, comically, “The Sneaky Fucker” strategy) and through politically supporting the alpha. So, while reproduction is largely concentrated among one male, others may reproduce, but less reliably.
However, in many cases within nature, a few males have extreme reproductive success, which leads to the exclusion of most of the remaining male population. In red deer, more than half of the young are sired by twelve percent of adult males. In elephant seal communities, most offspring are sired by around two to five percent of the males! That means ninety-five percent of the males lacked reproductive success (Badcock).
Forever Alone Men
Of course this can’t be the case among humans…right? Wrong. And, it’s not just anecdotal evidence that suggests some men simply don’t have a lot of sex or get in relationships frequently. The statistics suggest that a small percentage of very successful men occupy more than their “fair” share of sex and relationships.
One study by Johnson et. al. with British men, showed that one percent of men accounted for sixteen percent of all female partners. Twenty four percent of all men had ten sexual partners or more; only seven percent of females had this distinction. In essence, a small number of men were monopolizing the sex and relationship pool (Referenced in Badcock).
And, the opposite is true. There is a percentage of men who have little or no reproductive success and receive an equally “unfair” share of sex and relationships: none. The same study revealed that seven percent of all men reported no sexual partners in a lifetime. The female number was six percent. So, when you hear guys complain about being “forever alone,” they might be on to something.
And, what’s interesting (and kind of depressing) is that these numbers are mirrored in the experience men have using online dating. An analysis of the dating app Hinge found that, you guessed it, one percent of men get sixteen percent of female likes. However, online dating is even more skewed toward “top” men. Ten percent of men collect over half (58%) of likes. The bottom 50% of men, your “average guys,” get the attention of 4.3% of women.
Forever Alone In Real Life
There are even examples of forever alone people among the famous. Two real life forever alone examples are scientists Nicola Tesla and Isaac Newton who died virgins. This shows that dying a virgin isn’t isn’t always just for so-called losers. Lots of other people have given up and they live celibate lives. So, it’s possible to be forever alone and happy.
Let’s look at some real life examples based on the earlier British stats using the average college dormitory. You have a few “players” and very attractive women who want a lot of sexual encounters and can easily get them. They may literally have a new sexual encounter each week. You have a few other guys and ladies who are pretty successful and get into a variety of happy relationships.
The vast majority may not be particularly successful at dating (or don’t want to be) and may luck into a few relationships, possibly later in life. Finally, there are a few guys and gals who have either voluntarily (or involuntarily) checked out of the dating game, and spend their time doing other things.
To see the radical nature of the British study stats, let’s make another analogy: a high school graduating class of 300 over a lifetime. Three of the guys will have sex with 48 of the women. And, 21 guys won’t have sex at all.
The online data applied to a high school class is even crazier. In a class of 300, three guys get the attention of 48 women. Thirty guys have 174 women wanting them. And, 150 guys in the class are competing for the attention of thirteen women.
So, there isn’t some magical force ensuring that there is “someone for everyone.” And, there are guys (and women) for whom relationship success comes easy and often. Others struggle but find themselves in relationships occasionally. But, for a select few, forever alone really does seem to apply.
Forever Alone Dating
But, this is the bad news. Even though science supports the idea of “forever alone” guys, it doesn’t have to be that way. We have strong evidence among our own clients and readers that any guy can improve his social and dating success fairly quickly by making a few changes to the way he thinks and acts. And then, he can build on that to make huge social gains and be happy.
Even if you think you’re doomed to die single and celibate, that doesn’t have to be the case. Forever alone dating isn’t the easiest though. If you have no experience, it can affect your confidence and make it harder to succeed.
The best advice is to downplay your lack of experience and never, ever tell a woman that you think you’re forever alone. It will kill your dating chances and efforts at happiness.
If you want to try dating again,you have to make yourself the type of guy that is in the top 10%. You can argue this is unfair, and I agree with you.
However, you can’t fight reality. What you can do is make a few improvements, such as getting in better shape, increasing your status and power, as well as learning valuable social skills that women find attractive.
Works Cited: Christopher Badcock, Evolutionary Psychology: A Critical Introduction