As a young man in college and high school, when I wanted to know what “women wanted in a guy,” I asked them. They always said the same things over and over again: they wanted a guy who was sensitive, a great listener, and treated them like a queen.
I took mental notes and became that guy. And I waited for a girlfriend. And waited. And waited. And waited…well you get the point. A lot of guys are in the same circumstance. They are frustrated and want to get out of the friend zone. Read on and you’ll learn how to not land in it in the first place!
Humans are complex animals. Our advanced frontal lobes allow us to think deeply and critically. However, other parts of our brains are more primitive and animal-like. This combination of what amounts to multiple brains in one means that “attraction” is a lot messier than creating a list of desired traits in a member of the opposite sex.
A woman might calmly and cerebrally say that she wants a sensitive and caring guy on Monday, but when she hangs with that type guy on Tuesday, he doesn’t fire off the “attraction buttons” in her complicated brain. However, that cocky “bad boy” she met last Friday who has maybe one sensitive bone in his body (pun intended) fires the attraction buttons like crazy, even if her frontal lobe can’t explain the attraction and might even regret it at times.
Despite advances in education and attempts to be politically correct, humans are still animals with complex brains and complicated biological processes. We are attracted to the same traits today as our ancestors were hundreds of thousands of years ago. In short, women may tell guys they love guys that act like women, but they want something different. They want a guy that acts like a guy.
Let’s go back to college again. I knew a very troubled girl. She dated a friend of mine who was a complete loser. He was cool to me, but to her, he was a jerk. He got her pregnant and, even though she was a strong Christian, badgered her into getting an abortion. One day while I was at his house, she called. My brother answered the phone. She was excited because she was buying her man a new shirt. He refused to even directly talk to her, instead using my brother as a proxy, as he shouted from his bedroom. She was buying him a nice shirt, and he didn’t care enough to talk about it.
I also remember she had a “good friend” named Bobby. Bobby was there for her, and was her shoulder to cry on when my friend was mean to her. Bobby must have had bulging deltoids, because she cried on his shoulder a lot! She would even joke that she knew Bobby wanted to date her, but she didn’t look at him “that way.”
Get Out of the Friend Zone
I am not saying guys should be jerks. I believe that women only like jerks because jerks have characteristics similar to confident guys, which is the type of man that women generally want. Women are attracted to guys that are confident, funny, masculine, and assertive. Jerks often have these traits, albeit expressed inappropriately, and they lack the good traits that many confident guys also have (like empathy, drive, leadership skills, etc).
Thus, jerks give off attractiveness. However, people tire of jerks quickly. Jerks are eventually dumped, fired, etc, when people realize they are really just weak and insecure guys that are pretty good at faking confidence. So…don’t be a jerk!
Since truly well-round and confident guys are rare, especially in a society that discourages guys from being confident, when presented with a sea of insecure guys (i.e. the men I have mentioned throughout this article that act in traditionally feminine ways and get “friend zoned”), women opt for jerks over the boring, unattractive alternative. So basically, it boils down to this: women will be attracted to a fake-confident guy over an insecure and boring guy any day.
We are also not saying you shouldn’t listen to a woman, or that you should refuse to care about her needs. However, you have to do so in a male way. Being empathetic is good, but you also have to be assertive.
Most guys in the “friend zone” aren’t really empathetic. They are just pretending to act like a female so they can date the girl in question. See what happens after a “sensitive guy” believes he finally deserves to be in a relationship with his “friend who is a girl” and watch how fast he goes from sensitive listener to angry creeper. Many “sensitive” guys turn into complete creeps the minute “a friend who is a girl” shoots them down.
The lesson is: don’t act like a girl, and instead be a man. She may see you physically as a guy, but if she sees you emotionally as another girl, you are immediately corralled into the “friend zone.”
How do you make her see you as a man?
Be detached from her (i.e. realize you can take her or leave her).
If she is saying stuff that is ridiculous, then tell her.
If she is using you to unload her emotions on, then stand up to her and don’t let her do it!
Don’t join her in petty gossip and female squabbles; if anything, poke fun at it and her.
Don’t ever pretend to be sensitive just to get a girl.
Don’t ever agree with a girl just because you think it will land you a date. There is nothing wrong with agreeing with a woman, but only if you really do!
When she gets too emotionally serious, flirt with her and tease her a little.
Don’t ever mirror or mimic female behavior thinking it will make her like you romantically.
Don’t give her a lot of attention unless she gives it back. Don’t be the thirsty guy liking every one of her Instagram photos, dishing out “you’re beautiful” lines, etc., unless she is actually dating you.
Finally, don’t go by what she says she is attracted to, go by what she is actually attracted to. She may say she wants a sweet and passive guy, but pay attention to who she actually dates and flirts with! That is what she’s really looking for.
Pretending to be something you are not is never a good idea, and most importantly, a guy pretending to be a girl just lands him in the same situation as her girlfriends: in the “friend zone!”