Figuring out what men find attractive in women is easy. Men assess attraction visually: we are (generally) attracted to younger women with pretty faces, bigger and shapely boobs, some curves, and thinner and fitter bodies.
Sure, a few guys have different fetishes, or some white knights might deny it, but, science, polls, raw online dating data (see Dataclysm), and male porn preferences all confirm what I just said. I’m not saying any of this is “moral,” or even leads to quality relationships: these are just the facts of raw, initial attraction.
What women find attractive in guys is an altogether different (and very confusing) matter.
Do women swoon over physically attractive guys like David Beckham or Chris Hemsworth? Yes.
Or do they prefer certain personality traits like confidence over looks? Yes.
Or do they like guys with money? Yes.
Famous guys? Yes.
Guys who are funny? Yes.
Sweet guys? Yes.
Manly men? Yes.
Men who dress sharply? Yes.
Bad boys? Yes.
Tall guys? Yes.
Who the hell even knows??? Yes!!!
The unifying factor seems to be that women find guys attractive who have power, or its synonyms, such as “status,” “social dominance,” or “the ability to provide and protect.” I (kind of) made this connection to power in a past article directed to shorter guys, when I mentioned women probably are really looking for testosterone, but that height may be a “quick indicator” of high testosterone. It’s very possible that the “power” I’m writing about is simply a synonym for a man with a lot of testosterone (and low levels of the stress hormone cortisol), since leadership and testosterone seem to go together.
Heather Remoff, who wrote about her own research in the book “Sexual Choice: A Woman’s Decision- Why and How Women Choose the Men They Do as Sexual Partners,” agrees that power is the main factor women find attractive in a man. This may sound shallow or antiquated from a female perspective, but it really isn’t.
Replace the general term “power” with traits like “independent,” “not a mama’s boy,” “well-educated,” “in control of his life,” “confident” and even the most “strong and independent” of feminists will nod their heads in agreement that they like men like this. In fact, many of these traits were specifically mentioned in Remoff’s research.
The attraction to power explains why women’s sexual preferences are so elusive. According to Remoff, “power” is subjective, and it depends on what an individual woman associates with power. I believe this is a mix of biology and social factors.
So for some women, it could be a man’s maturity or age, but for others, his income. Some women associate power with a daring bad boy in a leather jacket, or even a criminal, while others see their charismatic professors or teachers as the ultimate sources of power. Still others may view fame as the penultimate source of power, or a man’s marriage, or perhaps him being her manager at work. Some see the college football player as a symbol of power, while others swoon over the talented musician on stage that thousands of other women are also desiring.
And, if you think it’s weird that a professor or teacher can be seen as a source of power, keep in mind that among humans, prestige is a type of dominance.
Some guys can go from “friend” to “crush” in her mind through a one-off act that signifies power, like standing up to an authority or being heroic under pressure. Other women are attracted simply because a guy is a “man in uniform” or a rugged country boy.
For all women, at a subconscious level (shaped by evolution), power seems to be a display on the guy’s part that he is non-needy, which signals he can provide abundant resources for, and protect, the woman and her offspring. He is “non-needy” in the sense he is excellent at what he does, and while people admire him for his excellence, he doesn’t care of others’ assessment of him.
This also explains why women prefer certain male physical traits. In the older parts of the brain, men seem to be attracted to women based purely on visual input, whereas women take visual inputs as indicators of a guy’s power. For example, masculine faces (signaling strength), muscularity, pretty eyes (think powerful eye contact), a deep voice, charm, and size are all good indicators of power, since these help men achieve it.
The desire for power may be why women are more attracted to images of guys looking serious as opposed to smiling, or even why a book like Fifty Shades of Grey is so popular despite being taboo for a variety of both conservative and liberal reasons.
This focus on power may seem crazy in a modern egalitarian environment where women don’t need “protected” from much of anything, but in the context of hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution, it makes perfect sense.
Most of these desires aren’t even consciously considered, since they are seated in older parts of our brains, making the reality of attraction seem even more irrational. No wonder the ancient Romans viewed romantic attraction as the result of getting randomly shot by a mischievous baby-god.
And, we men seek power and status/prestige precisely because we at least subconsciously know the sexual benefits from an evolutionary standpoint. One study collected the sexual benefits of power and prestige: higher fertility within marriage, healthier offspring, wives who have children at a younger age, as well as more sexual partners (i.e. they have more affairs).
And, while we suggest guys look their best, increasing your perceived power is a better strategy for becoming more attractive. Similar to the above study, another study confirmed that a dominant personality was a better predictor of the number of sexual partners for men than being classically good looking.
Are you a shorter guy? Well, having status makes people estimate you as taller than you are. So, if you can’t grow, get some status.
So, based on all of this knowledge, the biggest male losers in this “game of attraction” are low-status men, or even guys with status but who fail to convey it. The quiet and passive guys who are simply “cogs in the machine” of life and at work (or aren’t even that) lose out. So many guys lack status in relationship to available women, that many educated women are freezing their eggs rather than dating the multitude of available – but low status – guys around them.
Even some high-status guys can be pretty poor at actually conveying power, which is why some millionaire nerds can’t get a date, despite waving their money at women.
So, let me repeat: being powerful is a better strategy for getting a date than looking good (for guys at least). I should note that neither we nor this study are suggesting rape or sexual assault is power or a dominant personality. Physically forcing yourself on a woman, i.e. acting without consent, is illegal and immoral.
If we had to describe how we help guys, it is really helping guys increase their status and power. Truthfully, since attraction happens in older parts of our brains, a guy doesn’t even have to actually have power; he just has to project it. This is why we suggest guys “fake it until they make it,” through body language changes and development of their “avatar,” discussed in Chapter 6 of our book Be Popular Now.
Faking power is easy really, with certain body language and attitude modulations (charm, assertiveness, humor, etc). This is why a bad-boy Wal-Mart stock-boy could come across as more attractive to his female co-workers than a socially awkward millionaire tech start-up owner awkwardly asking for her help in the automotive department.
However, the best strategy to project power is to fake it and make it, by actually having accomplishments. The millionaire tech nerd who develops some social skills will ultimately be more attractive long-term than the reckless Wal-Mart stock-boy who will be burnt out (or dead) by thirty, neither very attractive to women.
So guys, you have to have power and convey it to ultimately be a master at dating. And, the more angles of status and power you can work (physical, income, authority), the more likely you are to succeed with a diverse group of women.
Step one is to develop general displays of power, like assertiveness, confident body language, dressing sharply, and being charming. Step two, done concurrently with step one, is to cultivate positions of power and status within your social, hobby, and career circles.
This combination of self-development will have women practically throwing themselves at you. If you don’t believe me, think of Justin Bieber, who despite being shorter than average and slightly awkward looking, represents power to millions of pre-teen and teen girls, or even Donald Trump, who despite his controversial attitude, goofy comb-over, and ugliness, dates models that would never give nicer and more attractive guys without a goofy comb-over the time of day.