Haunted Hoochie Haunted House Review

hoochie1Last night Jonathan and I went to the Haunted Hoochie, a popular haunted house attraction near Columbus, Ohio. Since the tickets are $25 (VIP $45), I was really hoping it would be an amazing haunted house experience…and let me just say…it definitely was!

We arrived early…very early, especially for a Thursday apparently. We were literally the first non-employees there when we got there about 7:00 PM. Since it started at 8:30 we figured there would already be a long line. I am guessing on weekends and as Halloween approaches, arriving as early as we did would be a plus. Once we parked ($3.00 cash) we walked toward the actual event.

There are plenty of port-a-potties in front of the venue, which is a plus. There are also concessions in that general area as well. After that, we walked to the ticket barn and waited for the tickets to open. We each bought regular tickets. They accept cash and credit card.

hoochie2After we got tickets, we got in line for the haunted house. We were near the front. A few people came dressed in costumes, and various haunted house actors walked around scaring people. Warning: they will touch you (appropriately) and say crass things. Of course, that is part of the fun and everybody seemed to enjoy it. A sign as you enter does warn you that if you’re a politically correct asshole, don’t bother buying a ticket. Hopefully that sorted out a few potential whiny buzzkills.

About a half hour before it started, the place started broadcasting music videos. Most of them seemed to relate to 9-11 truth movement and anarchist type themes, such as the more obviously conspiratorial “The Cause Of Death” by Immortal Technique and more mainstream ones like “American Idiot” by Green Day. Since I have a pretty strong libertarian streak I could appreciate it, but I am sure some people were offended.

hoochie3Around 8:30, things lit up a little more, a half-naked woman came out into a cage like thing near the top of the haunted house, and started dancing. That is around when they started letting people in.

They stagger people in by small groups, by letting a group of VIP people in (people who basically pay extra to get into a shorter line) along with those of us in the regular line. It does take awhile, but it is worth it to get the full experience.

I am not going to give away everything, but I will say that the haunted house is brutally graphic. Beheadings, human sacrifice, and even portrayal of war and a plane crash. You walk through a variety of super scary and gory scenarios throughout the house. They include a war zone (Vietnam it seemed like), a sort of Satanic equivalent of the Catholic Church complete with a twisted pope, a crashed plane, an execution, and more.

There are so many hidden people throughout the house grabbing you, that you will at least get surprised a couple of times, even if you are like me and pretty much difficult to surprise. One of the actors was telling me before hand that people peeing their pants is pretty common.

hoochie4They make use of darkness, strobe lights, and lots of cool animatronic creatures (including huge dinosaurs). And there are loads of actors grabbing you, (pretend) cutting you with chainsaws, and yelling at you.

The gore and scariness level are off the chart, I promise you. If you are scared easily, you’ll either love this or hate it. I suggest staying close to your group, because it is dark and a little easy to get separated if you’re not careful (at least it seemed like a possibility to me).

Guys, I suggest going with a girlfriend or significant other, because her first reaction will be to hold onto you. I am sure it would be much more fun that way.

It lasts quite a while. They do a great job of pacing you, by stopping you to watch a few of the scenarios.

When you’re done, they give you a pair of 3D glasses and you can walk through the “Bad Trip in 3D.” It is really cool. I am not sure how they did it, but as you walk everything is in bright and colorful 3D. Even the floor has specs of color that hover in the air. That lasts about ten minutes and is really freaky and has to be seen to be believed. It is a nice addition and makes it definitely worth the 25 dollars.

I promise you, if you love haunted attractions, especially getting scared and lots of cool scenarios and props, you will love this. I have never experienced anything like it in my life and I loved every second of it.

The only main drawbacks to the experience are the price (it is still high compared to many other haunted attractions) and the long lines, which formed behind us as the night progressed. But, that can be part of the fun, because you’ll be able to interact with actors and other people excited about going to a haunted house (see our article How To Meet Girls At Haunted Houses for more information on that).

About David Bennett

David Bennett is author of seven self-help books, and an in-demand speaker and consultant. Over a million readers per year read his online content, and his writings have been referenced in many publications and news outlets, including Girls Life, Fox News, the New York Times, Huffington Post, and BBC. He also writes for The Popular Teen, and other sites. Follow him on Twitter.

Leave a Reply