Making A Big Deal Out Of Nothing

depressed and upset man

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Homecoming season is coming up soon, and as a teacher, I see the big deal guys are making about whom to ask out and how to do it. I have witnessed a lot of “Rube Goldberg” type behavior, i.e. making something rather simple, like asking a girl out, into a mentally complex process.

I used to do it a lot. As a high school senior I worked up lots of nerve to ask Niki out to homecoming. Well, I should say that in the end a friend of mine did the asking for me. Not only did I make a huge mental deal over it (bad), but I had someone else do the work for me (bad). It is no surprise that at the dance, and afterwards, Niki was interested in me as “just a friend.”

It is hard to convince ourselves that asking a girl to a dance is not a big deal. But in reality, it isn’t a big deal at all. It is not just high school guys that over-think talking to women; older guys do it too. For some reason otherwise successful guys make “closing” much more complicated than necessary.

The simplest way to ask a girl to a dance, date, etc, is to…shock…just ask her. Make it casual and relaxed. Just having the guts to casually ask her is likely to increase your odds, because it shows super confidence. Also, show her that you are doing her a favor by asking. Don’t give her flowers or other gifts. Don’t make it seem at all like it is some grand gesture. Just ask her and be confident about it. For goodness sake, don’t have a friend do it, especially if you are out of high school.

There are other techniques you can use to ask girls out to things. We have great lines and tips in our books. Personally I would start a conversation confidently, similar to the example above. Then I would flirt some, to get her happy and in a romantic mood. Then I would say something like “hey, you know there is a dance coming up in a few weeks. Maybe I should do you a favor and invite you to come with me!” This is super confident and can only be pulled off by the most confident of guys who has built some romantic tension up in the conversation. If you can do that, it will work.

The key to either approach is you can’t care. The minute you care is the minute you will screw it up, either by not appearing relaxed or handling rejection in the wrong way. We call this lack of concern about outcome (while still being your best) detachment, an important characteristic of a successful person.

Being detached is easier said than done, and develops with time. However, you have to train your mind to realize the truth: a random guy talking to a random girl in a school, club, street, business, or wherever, isn’t a big deal at all. It isn’t going to impact the world, and unless you worry about it or sulk later, it likely won’t even impact your day that much.

The minute you realize it isn’t a big deal is the minute she’ll say “yes.”


About David Bennett

David Bennett is author of seven self-help books, and an in-demand speaker and consultant. Over a million readers per year read his online content, and his writings have been referenced in many publications and news outlets, including Girls Life, Fox News, the New York Times, Huffington Post, and BBC. He also writes for The Popular Teen, and other sites. Follow him on Twitter.

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