Smoke from the homecoming bonfire rises on that crisp autumn night. As the high school band belts out the fight song, the student body is on the edge of their seats. #12 takes the snap, scrambles, and throws. As the girls in the crowd swoon and the guys gasp in anticipation, he launches the football. It glides into the hands of the wide receiver.
He bobbles it for what seems like an hour, but gains control. Fighting off the oncoming defenders, he runs it in for a touchdown. Everyone screams. Green Valley wins its homecoming football game!
Number 12 looked just like you. He talked just like you. Hell, he was you.
But that was twenty-five years ago. The guy in your memories, and in the memories of your Green Valley classmates, doesn’t exist anymore. The fit body has been replaced by a beer gut. The guy that could run 100 yards in 11 seconds can barely walk to his car in the morning without getting out of breath. The screams of fans have been replaced by the screams of kids (and a wife). The guy that could charm everybody in 1992 regularly gets yelled at by angry customers at his job at the local cable company call center.
All of us wake up at one point and evaluate our present situation in light of the past. In fact, I think a mid-life crisis is a good thing. For many people, things were better when we were younger…when we had more friends, hopes, and ambition.
It’s easy to understand why males go through a mid-life crisis. Some people even suggest the “mid” life crisis is happening earlier and earlier, so maybe you are feeling this way even though you are only thirty!
Fortunately, you can face the feelings head on, and create a new “you” that can effectively combat that crisis, and even return you to some of the great feelings you had when you were younger. Below are five tips that work.
Many people remember the “glory days” which creates “relative deprivation.” This means a person’s current life might be good when it is evaluated on its own, but when compared to some other achievements (like a great past), it pales in comparison. For example, making $70,000 a year would be great for a lot of people, but if you used to be a millionaire, it might seem like total defeat.
The good news is that while you cannot relive past glory, you can be excellent at something at any age. While I don’t play football anymore, I participate in extreme races like the Warrior Dash and Tough Mudder. So, while I telegraphed excellence by playing football in high school, at my age, I can’t do that anymore. So I replaced it with excellence in another form.
You can be excellent at anything really. You can start a business, learn racquetball, run a 5k, write a book, start a rock band, etc. While you may not regain the same type of excellence you used to have, you can become excellent at something new. I find that as I get older, I get better at most things, and you will find that as well.
Think Young, But Not Immature
One problem with a mid-life crisis is that guys often try to recapture youth by being immature and irresponsible. A guy I knew when I was younger was going through his mid-life crisis by calling 900 number sex lines, and squealing his tires when pulling out of parking lots.
As my 19 year old friends and I watched him squeal out on one summer day, most of us just rolled our eyes that a 40-year old did such ridiculous stuff even we thought was dumb.
However, I highly suggest thinking youthfully. Stay in shape, care about your appearance, keep up on fashion trends (although look good for your age; don’t dress like a teen), stay well-groomed, have fun, and just generally take a younger perspective on life.
I am often mistaken for being younger because I do a lot of things that younger people generally do. I go out a lot, run in extreme races, wear trendy clothes, enjoy current music, and have a lot of energy. I’m not trying to recapture my youth (which is impossible); my point is that I still have the energy, excitement, and vibrancy of youth.
Again, I am not saying you should be immature, especially in a way that might hurt others or be dumb. To think young means to capture all the good things related to being young and discard the awkward, dumb, and harmful stuff!
Meet New People
Many people find that as they age, their social circles dramatically shrink. In high school and college, people are interacting with hundreds, and even thousands, of potential friends and dates. As we age, the ability to interact with such a large number of people goes down significantly, which makes meeting new people difficult.
A recent study of male friendships found, not shockingly, that most men regretted abandoning old friendships that were ultimately slowly extinguished by marriage and job commitments.
While most of us could make friends with less effort in high school because of the sheer number of people around us, to deal with that male mid-life crisis, you need to consciously focus on meeting people.
There are a variety of ways to expand your social network. Get involved in clubs and organizations. Go to networking events. Download and use event apps like Meet Up. Talk to new people every chance you get. Here is a page with an important tip to do it.
The Internet has allowed us to re-connect with virtually everyone from our pasts. Personally, I’m glad to leave some of my acquaintances in the past, but in general, re-connecting via social media has been good for me.
I rekindled an old friendship through Facebook in 2010. Even though both of us kind of got sucked into work and family duties (see below), Facebook helped us break that and re-connect. Be careful about rekindling too much; people change over time, and they may not even want to connect with you again.
Reevaluate your priorities
The friend I reconnected with gradually stopped making time to hang out back in 2001. So, eventually I just stopped calling. I went to graduate school 600 miles away anyway, so it wasn’t like I could hang out anyway.
Over the next nine years, we let virtually everything else take priority over our friendship. Work. Family. You name it! He was working 70 hours a week, and developed anxiety from the time spent there. I didn’t get anxious, but I was adrift, with no direction.
Throughout our lives, most of us do things because they are expected. And once we start, we just keep doing them, even if they add no value to our lives (in many cases, they subtract value).
And things just kind of slowly pile on, until we are like the proverbial frog that slowly gets boiled to death without knowing it. Did my friend wake up one morning and declare he wanted to give his life to his job and live a life of anxiety and depression? No. It just kind of happened. Did I wake up one morning and wish for a directionless existence? No, but it happened.
That is why a regular re-evaluation of priorities is a good idea. My friend realized that he was giving his work way too much power in his life, and was spending too much time there. Fortunately, he worked some things out with his boss to make things less stressful. I decided that even though I love teaching, I needed to start a business on the side to truly do the things I needed to do, and to earn the money I wanted to earn.
You may do this, and realize your priorities are all jacked up. Be honest, but don’t panic. Also, I’m not saying you give up all responsibilities and sneak off to Jamaica with the company’s funds.
Making major changes should be gradual so you or your family aren’t out of money! However, it is always a good idea to regularly evaluate your present situation, and if it is not making your life filled with joy and meaning, make changes.