Knowing my business of helping singles and couples in struggling marriages, a friend of mine called me up. I could barely make out her words through the crying. When I finally got her calmed down, she told me what happened. The marriage had clearly moved in a toxic and unhealthy direction.
After a little more explanation, she blurted out: “I think my husband hates me!” Since I know her husband, I knew he didn’t objectively hate her. At least I was pretty sure. But, I couldn’t deny her feelings either. And, even if her spouse didn’t hate her, it didn’t matter. If she felt that he hated her, then the relationship was already failing. She worried that divorce or separation would be in the picture.
As I was getting ready to finally respond, she stopped me. “Can you fix it? Can you make my husband love me again?”
Does Your Husband Hate You?
Once my friend calmed down and we talked through a few of her problems, she agreed that her husband didn’t actually hate her. If you think your husband doesn’t love you anymore, you might be misreading the situation. Unless the marriage is totally dead, he likely still loves you in some capacity.
Of course, that makes it even more frustrating. Why would he love you, but not express it? Guys typically hold back showing love for a couple of reason.
First, he is probably like most men. In general, guys don’t articulate and express feelings well like women. I’m not just talking about his love, but also his frustrations, pain, and everything else. His inability to deal with struggles and issues openly can lead to a bottling up of feelings that can come out in annoyance, anger, and even depression. These can even come across as hateful.
Second, the relationship might not be going well. If you’re having problems, he might be pulling away, using the silent treatment, or acting in a way that makes you think he hates you. But, it could just be frustration due to the problems you and your spouse are having.
Finally, he might hate himself or his life and you’re just collateral damage. Look at his life. Has he been more stressed? Does he hate his job? Have you struggled financially? It’s possible he is stressed and sad, but lashes out at you even though he loves you.
Finding Love Again With Your Husband
Obviously if you’re saying “my husband hates me” then some work needs to be done to salvage the relationship. But, don’t worry, any couple in any marriage can find love again if both partners are willing to work for it. Here is how.
The first step to succeed is to honestly communicate with each other. Most couples have a routine of no or little communication. They come home from work, deal with the needs of the kids, eat dinner, watch some TV, then go to bed exhausted. The husband and wife only communicate when things reach a boiling point or to schedule things.
But, healthy communication is proactive, not reactive (like when things explode). Both of you have to make time to talk about your needs on a regular basis. Sometimes simply communicating needs can make a person feel better. You might be shocked what you’re husband is thinking about and wants out of you and the relationship. He might be surprised what you want. The only way to know is to share that!
However, simply knowing his needs (and yours) isn’t the end of it. But, even some honest communication can forestall a divorce.
Meet Each Other’s Needs
When you were first dating, I’m sure you and your partner wanted to make each other happy. In fact, you both probably worked overtime to compromise and find ways to make the relationship work. Sadly, many couples stop wanting to work things out, but instead turn combative.
Instead of fighting and being stubborn, both of you should try to work on finding middle ground and making each other happy.
Recapture The Passion
Not only did you want to get along early in your relationship, but the whole thing was exciting. You were both young, in love, and happy. The words “My husband hates me” weren’t even a thought in the back of your head. In fact, if you could look into the future then, you probably couldn’t imagine the relationship turning negative and toxic. You never imagined you might be getting divorced!
To save your marriage, try new things. Studies show that marriages lose passion, which can cause numerous problems. Be open minded and put a spark back into your marriage. You’re likely in a set routine that is boring and predictable with no adventure.
Find ways to create new adventures and excitement. You can do this in many ways, whether it’s taking an adult only vacation, doing new activities together, or spicing up the bedroom. Reignite that lost passion! If you communicated with your spouse, you should know what makes him excited and happy!
Work On Yourself
While your ultimate goal is to save the marriage, you also need to build up yourself. So, as you work on communication and saving the marriage, don’t forget to save your mental health!
Treat yourself to a spa day, go out with your friends, join a gym and get in great shape, take a cooking class. Do something or anything that makes you feel good. Your own self-confidence and independence is a great starting point to rekindle the spark in your marriage.
Fight For The Marriage
If your marriage is worth saving, then, above all, you’ll need to fight for it. If your husband doesn’t really hate you, then he’ll agree to fight to save what you’ve built as a couple. There are many resources out there to help bring both of you closer together and solve your marital problems.
Many couples have been together for years and truly love each other. However, they’ve also had to face so many stresses and obstacles that they feel tired and worn out. They take out their stresses on each other and the honeymoon is long over. But, a few simple changes can help you get on the right path to save your marriage.
Hang in there, work on your marriage, and find comfort in family and friends. You can definitely find love again in your marriage. Believe in yourself and your marriage!