When I was a teacher, one day a colleague came to me to explain that a former student, with a recently completed degree, was dating my distant cousin, and that her dad wasn’t happy about it. My response was that if he’s my cousin, he’s likely bad news, given the history of some of my family.
My colleague went on and on about how she couldn’t believe the former student was dating my cousin and how horrible he was. While I agreed with that, I raised an interesting question that floored my colleague: didn’t this girl also recently date a known drug dealer, which caused her to lose her job at a rehab center?
My point stuck. My cousin may have been a loser, but a college-educated woman losing her job over dating a drug dealer, who then dates a guy who can’t keep a job doesn’t sound exactly like a “winner” herself.
When I was in high school and even college, I remember being shocked that nice, intelligent, and pretty women seemed to date jerks and losers. My colleague apparently still is shocked.
I even dated a girl like this…for about a week when I was a freshman (yea…long term, I know). I met her while playing basketball at the local park, and she seemed sweet, and was dressed in “preppy” clothing. Her mom even taught Sunday school. I was in love! This was the nice girl I was looking for.
However, after knowing her for a while, she lamented how she, as an eighth grader, was taken in by a 12th grade bad boy, with whom she did things she “regretted.” As we dated, I found out that her penchant for the “bad” didn’t come to an end just because she was with me. She and her friends would often get into parental and legal trouble.
We didn’t last very long, and the next time I saw her she had transferred schools and was using drugs, and was with another “bad” guy, part of a long string of bad decisions. I was baffled that this girl could ever have been like this.
A few years ago I realized something so fundamental that I literally dropped what I was doing and called my business associates to share my insight. I realized that, like guys, a lot of women are jerks and losers.
Throughout most of my life, I viewed women as the “better” sex. They were more moral, nice, and put-together. When I would see a pretty-enough girl with a big jerk, or “fixer-upper” type of guy, I would immediately ponder why she was with a loser like that. How could she lower herself to be with him??
I always gave women the benefit of the doubt in this situation. Guys were losers. Guys were jerks. Women, well…they were attached to a bad guy, confused, “taken in,” or simply “trapped” in something bad, and in need of my “rescuing.” It never dawned on me that there could be just as many jerk and loser females out there as there are jerk and loser guys. It never hit me that if a woman constantly dated losers, then far from being in need of being “rescued,” she was probably comfortable with losers because she herself was a loser.
So, why do guys seem so reluctant to acknowledge women, especially attractive ones, can be losers? Why do we assume women are blameless when they make bad romantic choices?
I think it goes back to male brain evolution. Guys are wired to “provide and protect” women, especially ones we are attracted to. When a girl we like is with a guy that we don’t like, we view the woman with “blinders” on, and become less likely to acknowledge her weaknesses, something called the halo effect. Since the guy is a romantic competitor, we view him in the worst possible light, hence declaring him a “loser.” This attractive girl, in a guy’s mind, turns into an innocent damsel in distress trapped in the hands of an evil villain. Our brain is telling us that we need to come in as the “white knight” to save this poor damsel. I was definitely this type of grade A “White Knight” (which is a bad thing by the way).
The problem is that reality is much different from this delusional scenario. First, a lot of women are perfectly happy dating losers. If she didn’t get some level of happiness from his company, she wouldn’t be with him or have dated him to begin with. Second, she likely doesn’t want to be “rescued” by you. Meddling “white knights” rarely get romantic attraction from this type of girl anyway. Third, she’s probably a loser. Yep, say it loud guys. Right now. She’s probably a loser. Many “white knights” find that after “rescuing” a girl from her bad boy, her first action is to return to the bad boy.
“But”…you may say, “she has her life together! Her loser man doesn’t!” Well, all I have to say is that if someone chooses to invest all of her emotion and attraction into someone who is a loser, then that pretty much makes her a loser too.
And, let’s do a little exercise to show you that appearances can be deceiving too. You know many guys who are losers, right? Even if they dress nicely…even if they wear glasses…even if they are handsome…even if they have a good job, they can still be losers and jerks.
Let’s rationally apply this to women. A woman can be a loser….even if she dresses nicely…even if she wears glasses…even if she is stunningly beautiful…even if she has a good job, she can still be a loser and a jerk.
That stunningly beautiful woman with perfect teeth who works down at the Waffle House who always leaves with her thug boyfriend? She could be a loser.
That thin girl with the sweet voice and glasses who dropped out of college to live with her unemployed parolee boyfriend? She could be a loser.
That hot and petite girl who needs the job because she has a newborn who just quit it by screaming at the manager with no other job lined up? She could be a loser.
That “Girl Next Door” from the richest suburb who drove the getaway car for her criminal boyfriend. Yeah, she could be a loser.
This article is not about putting down women (or even men). Ultimately, I think calling anybody a “loser” is a bad way to approach a fellow human being. I consider calling others and yourself a “loser” is a bad idea and should be avoided.
However, this article is pointing out that women and men are equally capable of bad decisions. It is disastrous for a guy to put aside critical thinking just because he is dealing with an attractive woman. I wish it weren’t so, but guys…women can be losers. They can be jerks. They can treat you horribly. They can be bad people. They can do all this to you, while practically worshiping jerks in their lives. The sooner your acknowledge this is possible, the sooner you will find a truly nice girl.