One of the most interesting aspects of my dating coaching business is the assessment. That’s where I hear their horror stories of guys living the single life. Although I keep a straight face through the process, inside I often want to cringe. Some of what they’ve done to try to get a woman has been very embarrassing.
However, I’m not judging! When I was younger and, before I started to research the science of attraction, I was a cringeworthy failure at finding a girlfriend too. I’m just glad I failed at dating before social media became widespread, so there isn’t a permanent record of my cringe.
Based on my personal experience and years of being a dating coach, I’ve done a lot of research on why guys are single.
Note that some guys don’t want a girlfriend for a variety of reasons, and not having one is a conscious choice. Focusing on yourself and your own happiness is a great way to live, so if you don’t want the hassles and drama of a relationship, then own that and go for it.
While every situation is different, if you want to get dates and can’t, here are a few of the main reasons you don’t have a girlfriend.
Cyndi Lauper sang in the 80s, “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” and those are true words. Women want a guy who is fun and exciting. This doesn’t have to be a “bad boy,” but most women would gladly choose an exciting bad boy over a boring, nice guy.
If you are bland, average, and not exciting, that’s a major reason you’re single. While consistency and stability are good qualities that pay the bills, if you want to find a girlfriend, you’ll need to loosen up and be fun too.
A guy who can be adventurous, spontaneous, and get her adrenaline going a little, is sexy to a woman. A guy who is bland, routine, and too serious…well…women call him “buddy.”
You’re Physically Unattractive
When I meet my clients for the first time, they typically walk in with a slight beer gut, are slouching, and wearing clothes that were maybe popular six years ago. No wonder they’ve been dateless for years!
While women care a lot about personality, your physical appearance matters too. You don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to care.
Go to the gym, eat a healthy diet, lift weights. Update your wardrobe (get a suit especially). Walk with confident body language. These are easy ways to change your appearance.
Even if you feel you were born ugly, at least change as much about your physical appearance as you can. A few little changes like muscle gain and a wardrobe update can go a long way.
You Care Too Much
When I was younger, if a woman judged me or put me down, I’d get devastated. I hear from many clients stories of how a woman said something unkind and they were crippled for months and even years because of it.
Here’s the thing: women are people too. They’re not all awful human beings and they’re also not all innocent angels. They are complex with strengths and weaknesses, just like men.
Treat them like human beings and you’ll be a lot more successful. This includes not caring what they think about you. So, if a woman brutally rejects you, she did you a favor. You don’t want to be with a woman like that anyway. Find one who likes you instead.
If you care too much, it makes you insecure, which is a very unattractive trait. Be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Usually, they’ll fall with getting dates since confidence is very attractive.
You’re Clueless About Women’s Needs
One of my clients once told me that he was afraid to take the lead with a woman because, in his words, “women don’t want a dominant guy.” I was like, “dude, have you checked the female best seller list lately?”
For reference, “50 Shades of Grey” has sold over 125 million copies worldwide and most of those buyers are women.
Yet, most guys still think of women as non-sexual, shy creatures waiting to be rescued by a white knight such as themselves (who ironically are horribly out of shape – some knight). Wrong! Men who think this way don’t have girlfriends and whine about how women date jerks.
Women do want a guy who is nice, respectful to them, and kind. Yet, they also want a guy who is dominant, fun, funny, powerful, and sexual. If you can start to understand what makes women tick, you’ll begin to try to meet their needs and actually get a girlfriend.
You Think You Know It All
I was visiting an online forum the other day where guys were doling out relationship advice. One guy confidently talked about how “women only date tall, muscular jock types.” When I told him that women date guys based on personality too, he called me an idiot.
I asked him how many women he’d ever dated. Wait for it. He dated…none. That’s right, a 20 year old dateless virgin was giving out relationship advice.
We all start out somewhere, but it’s important to be open-minded to advice that works from people with experience. I have had a lot of success with women and have been helping other guys for 5 years. And, guess what? I still have a lot to learn. I’m always updating my techniques and learning because there’s always room to get better.
One of the main reasons you don’t have a girlfriend is most likely because you keep doing the same things over and over again, the things you were taught that “work,” but really don’t. In fact, as David has written about, relationship advice for guys is generally horrible anyway.
If you’ve been frustratingly single, step back and try something new. Of course, I recommend our resources. But, I’m not the only person out there with advice that works, but to find what works, you have to skim through the crap from family, friends, and the Internet to get to the good stuff.
Read, grow, and learn where you can improve. What matters most is that you know you need to get better and you try to improve yourself, not just with women, but in general.
So, if you don’t have a girlfriend, these could be the reasons why. Don’t get discouraged, but definitely try to make a change. Staying the same isn’t an option because it’ll only lead to more failure and being single.