When I take on a new dating coaching client, they go through a simple assessment process so I can determine their needs and not waste their time. Usually, they are more than happy to tell me about their dating failures. Although I keep a straight face through the process, some of what they’ve done to try to get a woman has been very embarrassing.
And, sadly, it’s often because of horrible advice they received from well-meaning family and friends and even internet keyboard warrior “experts.”
However, I’m not judging! Before I started to research the science of attraction, I was a cringeworthy failure at finding a girlfriend too. I’m just glad I failed at dating before social media became widespread, so there isn’t a permanent record of my cringe.
Note that some guys don’t want a girlfriend for a variety of reasons, and not having one is a conscious choice. Focusing on yourself and your own happiness is a great way to live, so if you don’t want the hassles and drama of a relationship, then own that and go for it.
But, if you want a girlfriend but consistently can’t get one, then the problem lies with you. The good news is that evolution has hard-wired women to pretty much want the same or similar things in the guys they date. The even better news is that most of these things they want are things that guys aren’t born with, but can acquire.
So, here are a few of the main reasons you don’t have a girlfriend and how to fix it.
Cyndi Lauper sang in the 80s, “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” and those are true words. Women want a guy who is fun and exciting. This doesn’t have to be a “bad boy,” but, as many guys have discovered, most women would gladly choose an exciting bad boy over a boring, nice guy.
If you are bland, average, and not exciting, that’s a major reason you’re single. While consistency and stability are good qualities that pay the bills, if you want to find a girlfriend, you’ll need to loosen up and be fun too.
A guy who can be adventurous, spontaneous, and get her adrenaline going a little, is sexy to a woman. A guy who is bland, routine, and too serious…well…women call him “buddy.” Which one are you? If you’re not fun and exciting, you’ll need to find ways to let loose and get a little crazy.
You’re Physically Unattractive
If you’ve ever seen women go ga-ga for a guy, even a stranger, it’s usually because he’s conventionally “hot.” You know the guy: tall, fit, thick hair, great jawbone, and dressed for power.
While women care a lot about personality in attraction, much more than guys, your physical appearance matters too. After all, your first impression to her is how you look. Does she think hot, passable, or “oh god, no!”
The good news here is that you don’t have to be perfect. But, you do have to care. While you can’t change things like odd facial structure, height, or other genetic factors, you can still fix a hell of a lot. Go to the gym, eat a healthy diet, lift weights. Update your wardrobe (get a suit especially). Walk with confident body language. These are easy ways to change your appearance.
You Care Too Much
When I was younger, if a woman put me down, or, gasp, rejected, me, I’d get devastated. I hear from many clients stories of how a woman said something unkind and they were crippled for months and even years because of it. I had a 27 year old client tell me his dating struggles stemmed from a harsh rejection…in 6th grade!
Here’s the thing: women are people too. They’re not all awful human beings and they’re also not innocent angels. They are complex with strengths and weaknesses, just like men. And, you can’t give them any power over you.
Treat them like human beings and you’ll be a lot more successful. This includes not caring what they think about you. If you care too much, it makes you insecure, which is a very unattractive trait. Be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Usually, they’ll fall with getting dates since confidence is very attractive.
You’re Clueless About Women’s Needs
One of my clients once told me that he was afraid to take the lead with a woman because, in his words, “women don’t want a dominant guy.” I was like, “dude, have you checked the best seller book list lately?”
For reference, “50 Shades of Grey” has sold over 125 million copies worldwide and 95% of those buyers are women.
Yet, most guys still think of women as non-sexual, shy creatures waiting to be rescued by a white knight such as themselves (who ironically are horribly out of shape – some knight). Wrong! Men who think this way don’t have girlfriends and whine about how women date jerks.
Women do want a guy who is nice, respectful to them, and kind. Yet, they also want a guy who is dominant, fun, funny, powerful, and sexual. If you can start to understand what makes women tick, you’ll begin to try to meet their needs and actually get a girlfriend.
You Think You Know It All
I was visiting an online forum the other day where guys were doling out relationship advice. One guy confidently talked about how “women only date tall, muscular jock types.” When I told him that women date guys based on personality too, he called me an idiot.
I asked him how many women he’d ever dated. Wait for it. He dated…none. That’s right, a 20 year old dateless virgin was giving out relationship advice.
We all start out somewhere, but it’s important to be open-minded to advice that works from people with experience. Not only has my personal dating life been wildly successful, but I’ve been helping other guys for 5 years. And, guess what? I still have a lot to learn. I’m always updating my techniques and learning because there’s always room to get better.
One of the main reasons you don’t have a girlfriend is most likely because you keep doing the same things over and over again, the things you were taught that “work,” but really don’t. In fact, as David has written about, relationship advice for guys is generally horrible anyway.
If you’ve been frustratingly single, step back and try something new. Of course, I recommend our resources. But, I’m not the only person out there with advice that works, but to find what works, you have to skim through the crap from family, friends, and the Internet to get to the good stuff.
Read, grow, and learn where you can improve. What matters most is that you know you need to get better and you try to improve yourself, not just with women, but in general.
So, if you don’t have a girlfriend, these could be the reasons why. Don’t get discouraged, but definitely try to make a change. Staying the same isn’t an option because it’ll only lead to more failure.