There is an epidemic of sexless marriages and relationships. You might not hear about it on the news, except as a quick segment on TV or a random article in back of a lifestyle magazine. But, make no mistake, it’s a problem.
Why is a lack of desire in a long term relationship, a phenomenon that affects up to 15-20 percent of couples, mostly ignored? It’s complicated. But, generally speaking, talking about sex is very discouraged by cultural and religious norms. And, admitting that you’re sexually frustrated in a relationship is even more frowned upon!
As a result, many people are in long term relationships or marriages that lack any sort of passion. And, they might not have the skills to even talk about it. If they do muster up the courage, their partner might get angry or they might be shamed. Finding the secret to desire in a long term relationship is a lot harder than you might think.
However, we don’t think this issue needs to be hidden. This article will explain ways to keep the passion alive in a long term relationship or marriage.
Remember when you were first dating your partner? It felt so great! You didn’t have to figure out any “secret to desire” since that desire was natural. You could simply sit on the couch with your lover and everything felt natural.
During the first couple of years in a relationship, the infatuation phase, you ooze with feel good brain chemicals. However, after awhile, those chemicals fade and you have to face reality. You still could very much love each other, but the giddiness, the crushing, and the “seeing no flaws in your partner” mentality decrease.
One way to keep the desire going is to recreate the dating experience of your early relationship. Chances are, if you have a full-time job, children, and adult responsibilities, you and your partner only truly connect for short periods of time. And, many of those times are dealing with stressors, not creating passion.
One way to fix this is to implement date nights. Leave the house, get a babysitter for the kids, and be creative. Find something fun, unique, and exciting you can do to revitalize your relationship. If you’re always stressed and unfulfilled in your relationship, you’ll never get the spark back.
When you first met your partner and were spending time together, being with each other felt like a vacation from your outside world. Perhaps you were high school sweethearts or university lovers who saw your romance take you away from the realities of everyday life.
Now that you’re together, you are each other’s everyday life and it can be boring and stressful. So, one way to recover a little bit of spark is to take a trip. This is the ultimate extended date night. It doesn’t have to be a long vacation. Even a couple of days alone can be reinvigorating.
Find a place you both want to travel to and make it as intimate and passionate as possible. Make sure you leave plenty of time to focus on desire for each other. This means planning in advance! So, get a room with a hot tub, bring the sexy accessories, and get that “do not disturb” sign out.
Spice It Up
A friend of mine used to “joke” about how his relationship with his wife consisted of pity sex and duty sex. Two years later they were divorced. But, what he discusses is the norm for many relationships. Sex is as vanilla and bland as the ice milk (yes, it’s a thing) my grandma used to give me as a youth.
In the early days of many relationships, sex is adventurous. Couples will do it in crazy places, try out lots of different moves and positions, and the excitement and thrill can get both sides turned on.
But, most people fall into patterns like my friend where sex becomes bland, boring, and rare. The antidote to that, the secret the desire in a long term relationship, is to spice up your relationship. Do what is compatible with your values, but you’d be amazed at what’s out there to get you revved up and turn a spark into a raging fire.
It could be anything from trying new positions, trying out role-playing, exploring kink, and so forth. You’re adults and you don’t have to feel ashamed about pursuing excitement behind closed doors. This blog doesn’t really give sex advice, but Google is your friend. There are many, many options to go from vanilla to exciting quickly.
If the desire has left your relationship, the biggest question is why? In many cases, it’s because one or both partners has become unattractive to each other. They both love each other deeply, but the feelings of passion are simply gone.
So, if the spark is gone with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, or lover, then you might need to look at yourself and see ways you can become more generally attractive. And, your partner could do the same.
The odds are good that when you first met your long term relationship partner that you both worked hard to be attractive to each other.
Many young men would go to the gym daily to work on their muscles just to impress a hot girl. Once they get in a long term relationship, however, they skip the gym in favor of playing video games and eating pizza.
Likewise, many women dolled themselves up, watched their weight, and went out of their way to flirt with the guy they liked. However, in marriage, they rarely wear makeup and might have gained 50 pounds.
So, ask yourself: do you make that same kind of effort now to be attractive as you did at the start of the relationship? If you don’t, it’s probably the source of your lack of passion. Although age and gravity impact us all, your goal should be to be as attractive as possible for yourself and your partner.
For many people this can take the form of losing weight, working out, taking a class, getting up from the couch to work on a hobby, and so on. It could even involve improving your hygiene, wearing makeup more often (for women), and dressing up more.
So, in conclusion, you don’t have to suffer from a lack of desire in a long term relationship or marriage. These tips should help you get started with improving your love life. They’re only a start, but they will at least put you on the right path to renewed passion.