The Biggest Lie Society Tells You That Keeps You Dateless

young couple in love

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You learn it in elementary school, and it is reinforced in middle school, junior high, and high school.

In college, it is practically dogma, one of the few things you don’t question in class, for fear of getting your grade lowered.

You learn it from your parents, and even in church.

Yet it is a lie. Even a middle schooler knows it isn’t true even if he repeats the lie in class. What is this big lie that keeps men and women dateless?

That men and women think the same way.

The truth is that we don’t. Men and women are naturally “wired” differently. Structurally and functionally our brains our different. A recent study once again affirmed this. Even though common sense, our own experience, and other studies show general male/female brain differences, some people react with shock whenever a new study affirms the obvious.

The exposure of the brain to either estrogen or testosterone in the womb shapes our brains in different ways. When we hit puberty, the hormones flowing in our bloodstream lead to even more differences! The differences explain all the silent treatments guys have gotten over the years, and the common response guys give,  “oh, you were punishing me by not talking to me?”

Why do we assume men and women think the same? It is because it isn’t politically correct to say otherwise. In the quest for “equality,” it has become popular among a small group of academics to enforce the erroneous belief that all people are exactly the same.

Before you start to get indignant, know that I believe men and women are fundamentally equal, and should have the same human rights. I believe all people deserve basic human and civil rights. That’s why I’m libertarian.

However, that doesn’t mean I believe men and women are, on average, equally physically strong (they aren’t) or that gender is a meaningless construct unrelated to biological sex like your English professor told you. It is true that in real life some men will be more traditionally feminine than some women, and vice-versa (in reality there is a spectrum, likely based on the hormonal exposure of the baby’s brain in the womb). However, as a rule, there are certain observable differences between the sexes that people would be wise to acknowledge.

If you believe men and woman are “the same,” then you’re going to fail in all your relationships. Many of our communication “fails” come from assuming men and woman approach things the same way. Guys that are successful with women ( and women who attract men easily) understand these general sex differences and even exploit them. Knowing these differences can improve relationships – and even save them – since communication is often the reason for break-ups.

For example, as you’ll see below, guys are more visual when it comes to attraction. The girl who wears make-up, stays in shape, does her hair, and wears a tight dress is going to get more male attention than a woman who assumes that guys value personality over looks (because that’s what she values), so she ignores her appearance. I believe a woman has a right to not obsess over her looks just to attract men. However, she shouldn’t act surprised when she…wait for it…doesn’t attract men!

Below are some differences between men and women. As you read them, you’ll probably nod your head – a lot.  It’s okay to admit men and women are different. Laugh about it. It feels good!

– Women are more emotional, which is why they cry at movies, weddings, and (from a guy’s view) pretty randomly. The emotional centers in their brains are more active. Dudes just don’t see the world that emotionally  – our wiring won’t allow it. It is why women are appalled at their boyfriends’ almost unreal lack of emotion.

– Men think in a more rational and compartmentalized way. They can be fighting with their girlfriend at home and be happy at work.

– Women are better social communicators. They are much better at expressing what they feel and picking up body language cues of others. It is why when a woman breaks up with a guy she’ll tweet every hour expressing her anger, sadness, or whatever other emotion she is feeling about it, even if nobody is listening.

– Men often have trouble sharing their feelings and picking up the feelings of others. A guy may literally not know what he is feeling toward a woman or how to express it. He may also be genuinely clueless how a woman feels, unless she clearly tells him (and even then he still may be confused). It is why a guy can break up with a girl and post absolutely nothing about it on Twitter, but may hit his punching bag fifty times instead.

– Men place a huge emphasis on physical appearance in attraction, which is why a woman can “click” with a dude emotionally, but he doesn’t date her because she is 40 pounds overweight. It also explains why he wants to date the dumb and reckless hot 18-year old blonde  hostess down at the Waffle House instead of the nice and stable (but physically unattractive) girl in the cubicle next to him. The hot blonde hostess even wins out in his mind over the successful and high-powered 30-something female manager at work who owns her own house. I know saying this is unpopular…but am I wrong?

– Women tend to be attracted to dominance, confidence, and success in a male mate. They value a guy’s personality at least equally, if not more so, than his looks. For example, they are attracted to their bosses more than their co-workers. They have fantasies about much older professors and “men in uniform.” They end up dating the high-powered jerk athlete, musician, or CEO instead of the flower-bringing, gift-bearing, emotionally-available “nice guy” who still lives with his parents.

– Women, full of estrogen, don’t view the whole world sexually. They can have guy friends and barely think about anything sexual with them. They can see a guy reading a book and ask him a question about the book, and really want to talk about the book! A guy thinks she must be “into him” because she is talking to him, when she is really, truly, “into” the book!

– Guys, full of testosterone, view most interactions sexually. They would date virtually all of their physically attractive female friends. If they see a girl with a book, they will ask her about it, but usually with the intention of dating her, or at least getting a number or some attention. This is why so many guys pretend to be a girl’s “friend” as a ruse to date her.  Silly guys…when you fake a common interest with a woman, she thinks you actually want to know her as a friend (because that is how she thinks)!

– Because women evolved taking care of kids in the tribe (don’t blame me for stating reality; I’m not saying you have to be a mother if you don’t want to), women have a wider field of vision, to keep track of all those crazy kiddos. Because of this, they can “check a guy out” without getting caught. Speaking of eyes, girl babies make a lot more eye contact than boy babies.

– Guys, who spent a lot of their evolutionary history focused on tracking prey from a distance, have a more narrow field of vision. They can’t “check out” a woman without their eyeballs moving up and down, which is why guys get “busted” oggling. Nonetheless, studies show men and women check out the opposite sex in equal numbers.

– Women are more passive in romantic relationships. They expect a guy to approach them and take the initiative.  That’s why we all know a woman who have been crushing on a guy for 3 years but hasn’t moved beyond giving subtle hints (which he probably isn’t picking up anyway – because he is a guy). This also, in a sexual context, explains why women are always looking for their very own “Christian Grey.” That’s all I’ll say about that!

– Guys are more dominant in romantic relationships. It is why a cute girl could get hit on literally hundreds of times in a week, or get hundreds of messages on dating sites, while similarly attractive guys may get a handful of messages from women. A lot of guys think women are just like them, so they fail to approach or message girls, and get lonely and angry when girls never initiate anything with them. It is the guy’s “job” to approach. If he doesn’t do it – a lot – he will be dateless.

– Guys tend to look for women that are vulnerable (need protected) and women look for guys that signal they have the ability to protect women. This is why a passive and goofy “nice” guy is often repulsive to women, but they find the daring and exciting “bad boy” attractive, because his confidence and “I don’t need anybody” attitude subconsciously signal he is tough enough to survive in the wild if needed. It also explains why studies and surveys show that guys are less attracted to women that have higher salaries than them. So all of this may explain why so many “independent” and “successful” women struggle to get a date, or why the “nice guys get friend-zoned” trope is not only commonly stated, but actually true.

You may be screaming “nooooooooooooooooo, this is all sexist and wrong.” Scream as loud as you want. You don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend to hear you.

For more information check out Why Men Don’t Listen And Women Can’t Read Maps, The Female Brain, The Male Brain, and Evolutionary Psychology – A Critical Introduction.

About David Bennett

David Bennett is author of seven self-help books, and an in-demand speaker and consultant. Over a million readers per year read his online content, and his writings have been referenced in many publications and news outlets, including Girls Life, Fox News, the New York Times, Huffington Post, and BBC. He also writes for The Popular Teen, and other sites. Follow him on Twitter.


  1. Mr. Bennett – Never approached a women in my life. If she is so interested,then she will approach. I guess women have always wanted the guarantee that the guy is interested first., so that it gives them more value.With the American divorce rate at 50%, maybe that
    arrangement just does not work.

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