We are taught that rejection is a horrible thing and many guys especially internalize this when it comes to dating. I know some guys in the 30s and 40s who have maybe approached a few girls in their adult lifetime. It is no wonder so many guys complain of being lonely and dateless.
While a lot of the fear is wired by evolution, some of it comes because society puts a lot of pressure on both men and women to find “the one.” Parents, religion, and especially popular culture all emphasize the importance of finding that one amazing person. So, every girl a guy potentially meets could be that one. So, being rejected by your soul mate is a pretty big deal. We think over-focusing on one girl is an unhelpful attitude for a variety of reasons, including the anxiety it creates.
Unfortunately, to be successful in anything – life, work, dating – you have to take risks which bring with it a risk of rejection. If you “play big” in life, which all successful people do, you’ll have to learn to handle rejection.
But, is rejection really anything bad? Hell no. In fact, rejection isn’t even that big of a deal. It can even be fun. Today I want to talk about the joy of rejection.
One important tool I teach my clients is the reframe. Events in life are neutral. How we view them gives them their power over us. For example, a concert promoter may hate when it rains, but a farmer in the middle of a drought may be extremely happy. The points below should help you start to see rejection as something positive as opposed to something you immediately think of as negative.
Rejection Is Funny
When David was in college he asked a girl, “what’s up?” and she said “the sky.” While she was being rude, that whole story is really funny. Now, David and I can look back on that and laugh. Here’s the thing: he should’ve laughed about it then. To her face. And made a witty, charming comeback.
In many cases, the one doing the rejection finds it just as awkward as the one being rejected. It’s often very clumsy and most of us have absurd rejection stories. Laugh at rejection. It’s funny. So, when you approach a woman, know that the worst possible outcome is…laughing. The worst rejections are the funniest. If you can laugh about it years later, why not laugh about it while it is happening?
Rejection Leads To Good Women
Rejection is a means to finding the right girl. After all, you have to sort through some losers to get through the winners. Every girl is not a winner. Trust me. There are some bad ones. If a girl doesn’t like you back, then she’s a bad one (at least for you). Pining and whining and being paralyzed in fear of future rejection gives way too much power to another human being. The guys I know who wait for women to approach them often have the worst relationships, because they only date women who approach them. If you can approach any woman without fear, you are in control of the relationship selection process.
Does being rejected by a random girl really matter in the end? It’s crazy how guys are afraid that someone they just met and might never see again will reject them. Be confident and assured and talk to anyone you like knowing that you are excellent anyway and the opinions of a random woman don’t matter at all.
At that point, rejection does become a good thing. Why? Because not letting a random stranger define your value is not only good. It’s great. And, a real joy.
Rejection Shows Your Power
People admire those who put themselves on the line. The timid, afraid guy in the corner of the bar awkwardly staring at everybody is unmemorable. No guy looks at him and says, “that guy is the man!” He just blends in, and plays it safe. Leaders, in life, career, and even in dating, take the risks needed to succeed. With that comes the possibility of rejection.
Being rejected shows more power than playing it safe. Remember this next time you think you’re “tough” sitting back in your safety zone while some other guy is putting his ass on the line. Rejection is fun because if you have enough guts to risk rejection, you are something most people are not: a powerful leader.
How Do I Learn To Like Rejection?
Like I mentioned above, if you are still afraid, practice getting rejected. We help our clients come up with daily risks and rejections so they learn to see that rejection is a normal part of life, and even a fun part of life.
We would love to have you as a client, but if you don’t take that step, you can still come up with some way each day to risk rejection. For example, you could ask a random stranger to dinner, see if you can get a high-five from someone at the coffee shop, or ask for a free refill on something that normally doesn’t come with it. This will desensitize you to rejection.
In The Wisdom Of Psychopaths, author Kevin Dutton tells of a game some buddies at a club played one night. They competed to see who could get rejected the most. This caused them to approach a lot more people than normal.
At the end of the evening, not only did most of them not get rejected, but they started to find rejection fun. So, the night was a complete success.