I was a bona fide nice guy in high school and college. And, I don’t mean I was a good, nice person. I think I was. But, I’m more talking about the stereotypical “nice guy” in relationships. I thought being “nice” made me attractive, I felt that women made bad choices in jerk men (and pointed it out often), lamented the fact that a nice guy (me) went dateless, and secretly resented women for being so unaware of their own best interests.
My views on dating were messed up, mainly because my worldview was skewed.
The “nice guy” worldview says that being nice is a valued trait that will get him somewhere in life, especially dating opportunities. He believes women secretly want guys like him, if only they can be convinced to follow what they truly believe in their hearts (and what’s good for them). He also believes that in the end, he will win out as others will eventually see it “his way. ”
Now is a good time to take our entertaining and totally and utterly non-scientific “How Much of A “Nice Guy” Are You?” Quiz!
But…This worldview is fiction. Here’s why.
Nice Means Nothing
The idea that being nice is somehow valued is so far fetched it’s truly wishful thinking. Let me explain. Is nice a trait that gets a person a passing grade? What about a job promotion? Does a band sell an album because they’re nice? What about a football scholarship to Ohio State? Nope. Not at all.
While nice people are generally preferred, there is no evidence that being nice gets a person anything in this world. Thinking that it gets a guy a date is a part of the exact same fiction. Niceness is a baseline preference and standard. But, it’s not valued in and of itself.
Women Aren’t Secretive About Their Preferences
Know what the greatest indicator of people’s thinking is? Their actions. If they say any different they’re either lying or in denial. The idea that somehow women secretly want to date nice guys if only persuaded otherwise is absolute fiction. Women tell the world their dating preferences…through the guys they choose to date. If a guy has a crush on a girl and he wants to know her real type? He only has to look at her boyfriend choices, not her words, his expectations of the female sex, or anything else.
Women Do Like Bad Boys
Yes, most women do find bad boy types attractive. They might not always date them, but they typically will choose an edgy guy over a nice guy (with nothing else going for him). The studies show it, and, even by the observations of so-called nice guys, it’s true.
Once again, women aren’t confused, deluded, stupid, or anything else nice guys attribute to them. Most women do have at least some natural attraction to an edgy, bad boy type. It’s real and it’s not a big deal. Instead of complaining, nice guys should just become more interesting and assertive (not jerks, though; we have enough).
So, the nice guy worldview is fiction, which might explain why nice guys are often complaining about not getting the results they want from life. I wish niceness was more valued and that people cared more about it. But, the reality is different. But, knowing that reality goes a long way in adapting and succeeding in the world.