It is making its way around the Internet – poor Daniel Ardelean, declared the most friend-zoned guy in the world. Guys everywhere are weeping, expressing their solidarity, defending him, attacking the girl, or cringing – or all the above. Someone even started a Go Fund Me to raise money to heal his broken heart, with a monetary goal of $420.
As the screen shot from Instagram shows, Daniel spent a lot of money to take his friend Alex Obar on a date, to show her how a nice guy treats a woman, since apparently, according to Daniel at least, Alex had never been treated like a lady before.
I’m not here to doubt the story he gives, call anybody out, or contribute to any shaming or viral outrage peddling toward either of them. Heck, had social media existed when I was his age, that could have been me and a variety of women I would have acted that way with.
However, this whole affair offers guys some very valuable lessons about how to treat women – and how not to. Below I list a few observations followed by takeaways, including how Daniel handled things, and how the Internet is reacting.
UPDATE: The Go Fund Me money is being given to Alex to help pay for her education, presumably at the Christian school both are associated with. See the image from Instagram below, which has since been taken down.
I Doubt Daniel Acted Out Of Pure Benevolence
I’m sure he has a good heart, and wanted to make Alex’s day better. I’m not doubting he is a good Christian. However, how many of his other friends does he act like this toward? Does he plan special days for his guy friends who have also been in bad relationships? Does he do so with his less attractive female friends?
My guess is that he wouldn’t have included so many traditionally romantic gestures if he was dealing with an unattractive female friend.
When a guy only acts like this toward hot girls, it seems like he is only doing it as a ploy to get a date. And, unfortunately, it is a bad ploy, because no amount of niceness, friendliness, etc, is going to make a girl attracted to you if she doesn’t feel chemistry.
Plus, being a friend with the intention of getting a date it is a pretty crappy way to be a friend. I’m not saying Daniel faked friendship to get a date, but let’s be honest: a lot of guys do.
The lesson: If you’re going to do a kind act, make sure you’d be willing to do it for everybody, not just pretty girls, otherwise it is just White Knighting. Befriend girls if you want to befriend them, but as a strategy to date her, it never works.
You Can’t Buy A Girl’s Love
The Internet is full of guys who are outraged that Alex won’t start dating Daniel after his amazing date filled with romantic gestures. After all, the movies tell us that women love sweet guys who do romantic things, right?
True, but…women love romantic gestures done by guys they feel chemistry towards.
I’ve read some of the Internet comments about Alex and they are hideous. One guy even suggested on a Facebook comment that there is a special place in hell for girls like her, a comment which as of now has 2162 (!) likes.
So let me get this straight. A guy voluntarily takes a girl out, buys her stuff (again, voluntarily), and happens to be nice, therefore if she doesn’t suddenly find him attractive, she deserves to rot in hell? Seriously?
Let’s ask all these angry guys criticizing Alex how they would respond if a nice girl they weren’t attracted to took them out on an amazing date. Would they suddenly fall for her simply because she bought them stuff and was “nice?” No way.
So let’s stop insisting that women owe a guy romantic feelings because he voluntarily buys her stuff. And guys, please stop buying crap for women you barely know. It doesn’t work. It just makes you poor.
The lesson: No amount of romance, gifts, etc, is going to make someone attracted to you unless there is already chemistry. In fact, most girls would rather you be funny and charming and take her to coffee and a walk rather than be boring and unattractive and spend hundreds on her.
Guys Aren’t “Friend-Zoned”; They Friend-Zone Themselves
A lot of guys are saying Daniel was friend-zoned. No, Daniel friend-zoned himself. Admittedly, he claimed he only went in as friends. Let’s assume that is fully true, because I’m trying to be cool here. Either way, it still brings up a broader point. If a guy is friend-zoned, it isn’t because some woman cruelly placed him in that zone; it is because the guy usually acted like a friend.
If you want to get a pretty girlfriend, you’ll have to be assertive, charming, confident, and somewhat physically attractive. You should care about how you dress. You need to learn how to respond to women in a way that shows you are totally non-needy. You need to stand up to her when necessary.
If you don’t have these points down, then work on yourself. Go to the gym. Read books and watch videos about charisma, and then put those techniques into practice. Start texting more than one girl instead of focusing on “the one.” And then, practice everything more.
Until then, if you aren’t funny, aren’t charming, don’t care about your appearance, are insecure, etc., yet are nice and caring like a friend should be, then you’ll just be a friend. It’s shocking, I know: act like a friend and you are a friend.
Being “nice” is great, but it isn’t what makes someone fall in love with you. It’s not a woman’s fault for wanting to be friends with a guy who looks and acts like a friend to her.
The lesson: Women are attracted to guys who are attractive. If you want to get a girlfriend, become attractive.
This Behavior Puts Women In Awkward Situations
Imagine a woman who is your friend asks you to hang out. You like her as a friend, but nothing more, so you say “yes.” When she arrives, she tells you she is taking you on an amazing date. She tells you the plans, and you figure out she spent hundreds of dollars.
You enjoyed the time, but when it’s over, you have no idea what to do. If you don’t post a photo of it on social media, bragging how amazing it was, you look like an ungrateful jerk. And if you do post a photo and brag about it, people may get the impression you’re actually dating this girl. You don’t want to give that impression because you are just a friend. This girl just put you in an awkward bind.
This is what guys to do girls all the time. It isn’t Alex’s fault this happened. Sure, she could have read Daniel’s mind and determined he wasn’t really being a friend, but was looking for more. But it isn’t a woman’s job to decode a guy’s passive behavior. This is why guys need to be assertive.
The lesson: Get to know a girl and make sure she is attracted to you before you do any grand romantic gestures. Instead, be assertive about your intentions. If you’re attractive and she’ll come to you. Like I said earlier, start with coffee and a walk and go from there.
Still, The Hashtag She Used Was Pretty Savage…
Daniel claims the hashtag was his idea. Okay, maybe it was. Either way, every guy knows that if we take an attractive friend on what amounts to a date, we like her romantically. That’s just the truth. Every guy on the planet knows that Daniel would love it if Alex liked him romantically. Even if he put her in an awkward situation, he still has feelings.
Thus, the #stillsingletho hashtag seems pretty insensitive. From a guy’s perspective, it is the ultimate rejection. He has thrown every romantic gesture he knows at a girl, only for her to basically say she is looking for those gestures from someone else. Even if Daniel really isn’t interested romantically, it still can’t feel good to see that hashtag after all that effort. I’m sure she didn’t mean it that way, but that’s like a dagger straight to the heart.
However, you could also look at Alex’s harsh response as positive. She could have strung him along instead of being so clear as she was. I would rather a girl make it clear she isn’t interested romantically than be strung along not knowing for months.
The lesson (this one for women): Guys may be clueless and think grand romantic gestures work to cause attraction (they don’t), but women should consider a guy’s feelings about it too. Nobody likes to put in effort and then be reminded that those efforts meant nothing.
The Overall Takeaway
I suppose the overall takeaway is that the Internet can be a pretty harsh teacher and brings out haters from all sides, but the situation can teach other guys a valuable lesson in what not to do. I’m sure everyone involved here will eventually find the right person, even if it isn’t each other.
Maybe someday he’ll find the right girl to treat “like a lady” and she’ll be treated like one by a guy she is really attracted to.
Or maybe they’ll both get on Tinder, swipe right, meet up, and realize they both like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Who knows?