What About Female Friends?

Friends hanging out

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Nothing is worse than when an insecure and passive “nice guy” gets “friend-zoned.” Once that happens, he turns on a dime. The girl who was supposedly a “great friend” is now the victim of his anger and bitterness (yeah…a real “nice” guy, eh?).

When I was in college, I was that pathetic guy. I had my plan worked out. I would befriend a girl, and totally act like a friend, being no different than her female friends. I would avoid any sexual tension and agree with everything she said. I would compliment her like crazy and buy her things. Amazingly, after all that work at being her friend, I was shocked, utterly shocked, when she just wanted to be my friend.

Yet when she (quite rightly) “friend-zoned” me, I remember proudly proclaiming to her in a stress-filled, angry, and whiny way (like a complete idiot), “Well…I don’t need any more friends…so you’re out of luck, but I do need a girlfriend!” I am sure after pausing and wondering what the hell happened (remember: she viewed me only as a friend, because that’s the frame I set), she probably called up her boyfriend and had a good laugh at my little tantrum.

There is nothing wrong with female friends. The problem comes if you want something more than friends out of them, and you don’t know how to make that happen. What happens is that a guy “befriends” a female only as a means to get involved romantically. The result is usually disastrous. Not only is the guy being disingenuous (he doesn’t really like the girl as a friend), but once you start setting the tone with a girl as her “friend,” odds are pretty good it will stay there. Get it? If you only act like a friend to her, acting no different than her female friends, then why is it her fault when she only views you the way you basically told her to view you??

“But David,” you may be saying “she tells me how she wants a guy to date who is her “best friend,” who is sensitive, listens to her problems, etc.” One rule a guy needs to always remember…ALWAYS…is “don’t believe what a woman says about what guys she wants; observe the guys she actually dates.” She likely isn’t making out with one of her “good buddies” this weekend, is she? She’s probably dating a guy that makes her get all hot inside, even if he doesn’t listen to her problems or hold her hair back when she is puking after a night of partying, like you gladly do.

So, yeah, have female friends, if you really want them as friends. Never friend a female just to date her. Now, I admit that sometimes, after a while, a female friend may decide you are dating material, if you have the right skills, but don’t necessarily count on it. In other words, if you befriend a girl, accept the friendship and move from there.

About David Bennett

David Bennett is author of seven self-help books, and an in-demand speaker and consultant. Over a million readers per year read his online content, and his writings have been referenced in many publications and news outlets, including Girls Life, Fox News, the New York Times, Huffington Post, and BBC. He also writes for The Popular Teen, and other sites. Follow him on Twitter.

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