When I was in 10th grade, I was attempting to date a girl named Wendy. We got along very well and she seemed to really like me. However, after a few weeks of talking, she suddenly told me “you’re too good for me and we should stop seeing each other.”
My response was, to paraphrase, “what the hell?” Her comments came so out of the blue I didn’t know what to think. My friends and family didn’t have any good answers. All I could do is throw up my hands and ask, “why are women so complicated?!”
I’m not the only one asking this question. It’s something I hear from my dating coaching clients all the time. They approach the dating game thoughtfully and logically, then are shocked when the women they meet are complicated and things don’t go according to their logical plan.
So, if you’re confused, angry, and just plain perplexed by women, I have some answers!
Attraction Isn’t Logical
The biggest mistakes my clients made was that they looked at dating logically. However, dating isn’t logical. Don’t believe me? Look at how many women date total jerks who are objectively bad for them.
And, what about you? Do you only go for women who are good for you logically or those who attract you? Most guys, including you, would date a hot crazy woman over a sensible ugly woman any day of the week.
Even the Greeks and Romans understood this as love was represented as random, chaotic, and downright illogical through the actions of Cupid (or Eros). So, even though you know attraction choices are irrational and even outright dumb, you approach women in a logical way. However, that doesn’t work.
So, once you understand that attraction isn’t logical, then you can begin to see why women are complicated. You both attempt to pursue your relationship logically, but that’s not how any of this works. It’s like reading a map to Atlanta when you need to get to Boston, then wondering why you’re lost.
The Rules Are Lies
If you just “be yourself” and act like a gentleman, you’ll be wildly successful. If that’s been your dating strategy, how’s that working out for you?
One reason women are complicated is because we are taught to believe certain lies about women. Here a few of them: women are non-sexual, all they want is to settle down with a nice guy, and the key to a woman’s heart is romantic gestures.
What if I told all of these are outright lies? You might not believe me. But, here are the facts: women are just as sexually charged as men (but more covert), they want to pair up with attractive guys, and the key to a woman’s heart is to have a dominant personality.
But, the “facts” we get from well-meaning friends and family and popular culture aren’t always accurate. People say “be yourself,” “be sweet,” and “send her flowers.”
But, an unattractive guy doing that is called a creeper and a stalker. Yet, he tries this advice over and over again and naturally gets frustrated and just decides that women are complicated.
All Women Are Different
Even though there are basic guidelines for what women generally prefer (as there are with men), all women are still different to a degree.
Women are especially different in their definition of attraction. So, while it’s possible to say women like a dominant, confident, attractive guy, that often looks differently based on how they were raised.
So, a woman who is raised more roughly might see a local thug as representing power and go for the “bad boy.” A woman raised by college educated parents could look to her teacher as an authority figure.
So, as you try to understand women, realize that while the overarching attraction principles remain much the same, how it’s expressed can vary greatly.
Male and Female Differences
It’s not a popular topic these days, but there are genuine male and female differences, at least in regard to attraction and attractiveness. And, if you truly believe the opposite sex exactly thinks like you in this matter, it will doom you to failure in dating.
Here are a few general differences:
-Care more about looks for first impression; personality secondary
-Prefer slimmer, shorter women
-Want to be admired
-Turned on visually (hence the popularity of adult websites)
-Attracted to personality and power more than looks
-Prefer taller guys
-Receive visual attention
-Turned on more through language/experience (popularity of erotica books)
Before I get angry emails, of course there are exceptions. But, studies show these are general differences for the majority of men and women. And, there are more.
There’s nothing wrong with these types of differences. Just because we have different attraction preferences doesn’t mean inequality or oppression. But, it does mean lots of misunderstandings.
For example, these differences can account for why women are horribly turned off by junk pics, yet guys continually send them.
Most guys would happily take a photo like that from an attractive women. Women definitely don’t feel the same. Consequently, guys ask why are women so complicated simply because women don’t want their gross junk photos!
Look At Actions, Not Words
It’s because talk is cheap. And, when women state their preferences, they don’t always tell the whole truth. Men do the same. Total honesty on this topic isn’t very politically correct, so both sexes hold back to a large degree.
However, if you want to know a person’s attraction preferences, it’s not hard to decode. Look at their choices. If a woman claims she wants a stable, nice guy who treats her like a queen, but constantly dates tall, handsome brawlers who are in and out of jail and waste her money on bail, the two can’t be reconciled.
I’m not judging anyone’s attraction choices. But, always be a realist. Go with her actions, not words.
So, while women can seem complicated, they aren’t really all that difficult to decipher if you know what to look for. So, the answer to the question “why are women so complicated?” is: they really aren’t if you pay attention.