Growing up, I remember thinking that women were somehow “better” than men. And, my evangelical Christian mindset made me perceive them as more “innocent” than guys. I based this on the women I tended to hang out with, and the ones who gave testimonies at church events. They conveyed (or at least I picked up) an air of near asexuality or at least complete sexual control and/or repression.
In short, I put women on some type of moral pedestal. They were pristine and in control of their feelings, whereas I and other guys were not. We were brutish sex addicts; they were pristine virgins. They were to be handled with complete caution, respect, and reverence.
Since my “map of the world” didn’t allow women to really have sexual feelings, I was often “just a friend,” even though I always wanted more.
It actually makes perfect sense that I was constantly “friend zoned,” because I would never venture into that area of their sexual feelings. It’s ironic, because I wanted their sexual/romantic attention more than anything. It isn’t shocking that the guys who assumed sexual rapport with women, i.e. understood that women were full sexual beings capable of having sexual feelings, tended to connect with them on that level.
I know many guys who act like I did. They are afraid to flirt with girls or take things in a more obviously sexual direction. They feel as if connecting with a woman in this way “isn’t right” or that it somehow degrades women. And then they complain women don’t date “nice guys” like them, and instead date “douchebags” who only “use” women for sex.
The lesson is that women are sexual beings. Just because women are more tight-lipped about it, and less overt, they nonetheless are sexual beings. In fact a recent study showed that when women were absolutely forced to be honest (the researchers had to make them think they were hooked to a lie detector to get the truth!), women are just as sexual as men.
So, if you are one of the white knights who think women aren’t sexual, and don’t believe me or the above study, just look around at the women you are slowly “getting to know” on a non-sexual level.
You are likely “just a friend” while some other guy is probably romantically and sexually involved with her.
You’re sending her cheesy poetry, while she’s sending him nudes.
You’re handling her with kid gloves, while she’s asking him to handle her more roughly.
You’re metaphorically pulling punches, while he’s pulling her hair (and she loves it).
You’re reading the Bible, and she’s reading Fifty Shades.
I hate to break it to you, but you’re losing; he’s winning. Your strategy of treating her like a non-sexual goddess on a pedestal isn’t getting you even a hand-holding, let alone anything more.
For example, take Marilyn Monroe, which Robert Greene uses as an example of a “siren” in his excellent book The Art of Seduction. The term Siren comes from Homer’s Odyssey (a great book as well). They were the female residents of an Island that Odysseus and his men passed. They were so powerfully attractive that Odysseus plugged his men’s ears with wax so they could not hear the Sirens’ tantalizing song.
Odysseus, probably as I would have done, tied himself to the ship, so he could say he at least experienced the Sirens’ call! Monroe had some serious issues that allowed her to become female sexuality on steroids, but nonetheless, she embodies female sexuality. Granted there are some women (and men) that claim to be completely asexual, but most women are capable of at least some of the sexuality of Monroe. Look at the image above. It is oozing with more sexuality than any guy I know.
So, this is a simple lesson, but one that is pretty powerful for guys that put women on a moral pedestal. Simply start recognizing that women are sexual beings with sexual desires and needs, just like you. Their way of handling sexuality is different and much more subtle, so I am not suggesting there aren’t differences. I am saying that if you can’t acknowledge women too have primitive parts of their brains that strongly desire an attractive guy, then you will certainly never be the object of those desires.